“count your breath to 10” she tells us.
and when you wander away go back to 1.
now, it’s like a dream. we sat in zazen. eyes mostly open. hands gently placed. left on right. thumbs touching.
it was peaceful and quiet & HARD with your mind flying from here to there. no where to run even though you want to.
my first silent meditation retreat. no reading or writing. no talking. just a retreat. like tiptoeing out of life.
“easy” and gentle with yourself. but it wasn’t. it was hard not to do. not to do anything. I’m REALLY good at doing a bunch of everything all at once , in one day! to do lists and calls and emails.. the list goes on. but to do nothing. really do nothing. that’s hard.
I used the mantra HERE to ground myself while walking. I let myself remember to LET GO. and as time passed I watched myself go through a range of emotions. anger. frustration. giggles. not understanding what was happening.
Maezen showed up as she does and taught us. guided us through the journey. but we sat and didn’t run. no one ran. we showed up. over and over and over. we walked and we sat. and the light began to shine from the inside out.
a practice I don’t really understand. it’s okay. the life that is my life is here. it’s all here. she reminds me of this. my life IS sitting in Ohio in a barn for 2 days staring at a wall and then it’s going with the flow in DC with the screaming yelling kids and the dog who peed on the floor.
She wrote this about our time together.