dancing my way towards 40.

No, I’m not turning 40, YET.( I can’t wait!)
But today, I’m 37.
I love it….. getting older & stronger & yet, more relaxed.

I was listening to a podcast where Amanda Palmer said she “lives with abundance and trust rather than scarcity and fear.” And I thought, yeah- that’s what I’m moving towards. That’s it.

The incredible people I get to be in relationship with, who make me laugh & send over notes, who hold my hand and give me a hug and who show unwavering support, no matter the crazy idea. And to the people in our community whom I get the pleasure of sharing yoga with- and who want to learn & go deeper, ask questions & who reach out for help, I love you.

This year, I stand proud knowing that my life does have a mission, a purpose and a depth that I always wanted and I always craved.

I’m here to help build community, support and encourage others around me to do the same in ways that feel meaningful and authentic to them.
I’m here to create a a space in which people are seen, heard & acknowledged, and to nurture a multi- generational community of love and of acceptance.

This year,
I’m learning not to be afraid of my strength or my softness,
not to be afraid of what may come; whether a blessing or a tragedy.

What if this is my last year, day, moment?
I know nothing is guaranteed except that there is an end.
And that, my friends, is motivation enough for me.
The reality that there is no promise of tomorrow.
No promise of next time, no definitive “see you soon”, it is all so precious. And I get it.

37 years ago tonight, I wonder what they were like.
How they felt, what they talked about, what supports they had, what fears did they have?
A 19 year old jewish boy from CT & a 21 year old young woman from Springfield, IL, had a baby.
They were not married, they were not “financially secure”, they were young. I don’t think the families approved. And here I was.
I don’t know the whole truth of those times in Olympia, Washington where I was born.
But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t easy.
And I now know, that being a new parent has so many ups and downs.
I can’t even imagine what it was like for them.

I have never thought about what they were going through in order to take care of me or how being a parent may or may not have changed them, right there, in those early days. What were they like? Did they call friends/family and ask for help? Did they cry over coffee and wine and talk about how hard it was on the relationship, on their lives? Was it hard? I’m trying to relate to them as I do with other new parents in the DC area- and it’s just a different world. My parents did not stay together long- and I have no memories of us ever being a family.

I don’t think my parents were talking about trusting the Universe or listening to the Divine.. not the way I do now. But I know that they somehow found their way, and so did I. These days, social media brings all of this attention to your birthday – everyone knows! In some ways, what a gift! To hear from long lost friends, to see kind things written about you, to feel loved. And in other ways, for me, this day is a celebration of LIFE!
Of cherishing the memories I have been so blessed to have, to remember all the smiles, laughs, good times that I shared with people in my life, who contact me TODAY!. AND honoring the harder ones to, the birthdays were I was alone, scared, angry, AFRAID of living- of pain, of loving too much, of being embarrassed or being seen. The birthdays I spent being selfish and greedy and controlling… the ones where I always wanted more.

Today was simple. Today was sweet. (until Milo had 3 afternoon tantrums!) But I also experienced another layer of healing, b/c I’m learning to trust the story, to hold in my heart those young parents who had a baby girl with no manual in hand, and to send them love in a whole new way. To let go of the issues of my past and to move courageously into the future without a plan. To trust that the life I am leading, that we ALL are leading today, is the way it is to be. And that even when we THINK we are controlling, planning, scheduling, reminding, busily buzzing along with our packed agendas and our self important calendars – that we are all just brothers and sisters here, together for a short time. That the only thing we leave with is our memories of experiences and the quality of our relationships.

In many ways, just a normal day, passings and exchanges.
Meaningless greetings & comments about the weather,
full of the commonality of daily life, that inherently is a privilege.

but to me, it’s more.

A BIG thank you to the Universe for leading me here, for sending me home, for giving me the gift of forgiveness and love, for showing me that generosity can win, that heart matters and to trust in the mystery. I belong here, and so do you. IMG_6500

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forgiveness

for more years than I can count
I was angry & sad
disappointed, resentful.

forgiveness comes with time,
comes with practice.

compassion practice unarmored me.

but all I had to do was nothing.
get out of the way.
step aside – stop the show.

slow the train,
shift the perspective.

release the madness.
make a choice to let it go.

forgiveness is the sweet bliss
from practice.

it just was, ease-ful.
gentle.

unanswerable questions, fears and unknowns.

forgiveness is the gift of our lives.
it matures us and nourishes us enough that we can
be more, be there for others. for ourselves. there is no separation, really.
I can see the subtle strength
when the ego releases the need to hold. so. tight.

just sit in the stillness of the love in your soul.
trust that you will find the way.

* This poem is dedicated to my mom on this Mother’s Day.
It’s been a long time coming, and now I’m ready to let go of the past.
Last weekend, we visited for the first time in over 5 years.
I realized how much we are alike…
The silliness, the love of nature, animals and kiddos,
the deep yearning for connection and the huge heart that she gifted me.

And for this, Mom, I say Thank You.
Being with you and my children was beautiful. To see you loving them in ways that you loved me.
While I have not always seen it- nor appreciated it- nor recognized it as valuable.. you did love me, the best you could. And I see you. Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who have complicated relationships with their mamas. I wish you peace and FORGIVENESS.

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little altars everywhere….

here are some shots of the little alters I have created in my home. I wanted to create a sense of joy & purpose& devotion in the areas I use the most.. organically these came to be my sweet spots for connection. When I wake, when I wash, when I dress- I pause, reflect, offer gratitude for all my blessings. Send a prayer to someone who needs it- and off I go into the world…. I hope this inspires you to create “little alters everywhere!” xo

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