On My Own

This morning I put on shorts and a tee shirt. Walked the kids to school, gave a smooch and walked home.

I was all packed up and ready to go but something didn’t feel right.

I went in and changed to one of my favorite long flowy dresses that I wore when I was pregnant. Putting it on makes me feel so good- so feminine- so-free!

NOW, I am ready.

A few times a year I spend at least 24-48 hours away from my daily life.

On my own.

I have been known to rent hotel rooms, say yes to workshops or retreats that feel good and then come and go as I please or travel alone to somewhere new.

When the kids were super little and I had the studio, Mel would take them out of town for the weekend and I would stay home alone.

While I always find benefit AFTER the adventure, quiet, silence, experience. The first 12-24 hours away from my kids and Mel is STILL hard.

I feel unsettled. antsy. restless.

In theory, leaving my life for contemplation, reflection, quiet would be amazing! Eat what I want! Do what I want! No family dishes! or long drawn out bedtimes! Sleep!Meditate! Yoga!

Now that I have done this for so many years, I’m getting more familiar with the transition period, the loneliness? the discomfort of being and not doing?

Even though I do a lot of alone time in my regular daily life, this time physically away is always somehow different .

The standing on my own 2 feet, making all my own decisions without input from the choir of preferences that usually fill my day.

Sometimes, I get lost- I don’t feel like arguing about another night of pizza or burgers so I just say yes. Or bc I don’t have a strong preference about something, I just fade into fabric of our family routines and rhythm.

Here, in the middle of nowhere New Jersey- I am not defined as a mama or a wife or the crazy yoga teacher.

When I go out on my own, I just breathe. I fold into the landscape, I watch.

I write and write and write and write.

I notice everything.

A moment of lightJOY freedom on a long walk in the sun-

is followed by a hard smack in the head.

“You are alone, practice letting go. Someday you might be on your own. Don’t be afraid. Lean into this truth and stand your ground. Feel your body breathing and the discomfort of mortality. practice the company of you. ” she says.

Once I get into the groove of my aloneness, it becomes sweet and then it will be time to return- the drive home.

I will be anxiously dreaming to hold them close and feel their squeezes, even hear the dog bark. Walk to school and make the lunch.

Maybe when I get back, the sun will be shining on my face and I will be flooded with memories from my latest adventure- walking on my own -down the long windy farm road, dress flowing, hair long and loose.

I love that lady who wanders.

Who trusts.

Who allows.

Who releases.

Who feels.

Who notices.

May I continue to find and nourish her through all stages of my life.

May I have the strength, support and abundance to pause.

To move. To rest. To relax. To be. ✨🙏🏽❤️

A Better Birthday

When I was 8ish, I did not get invited to Annie Freeman’s birthday party.

All the other girls did.

I was new. I think they said, “she smells”  or at least that’s what I heard.

When my mom realized there was a party and all the girls had been invited but me,

she made a fuss.

I don’t quite remember what happened but eventually, it led to an invite.

I did not want to go. I would not go. I knew I did not belong. My heart hurt.

My pride protected my pain.

On the day of the party, my mom took me to KFC and we took the bus to the mall and then she had to go to work and I went with her.

All day, I knew there was a party going on that I was not invited to.

I wanted to be with all the girls just being “normal” and included and having fun.

But I knew that If I actually went, I would feel more lonely and isolated and embarrassed b/c by then everyone knew I was not invited and then LATER, invited.

And on Monday, I just puffed up a little more. Held my head up high and pretended I was fine.

This year, as I was thinking about celebrating my 40th I thought- I just want to have a party where EVERYONE is welcome. Where EVERYONE feels like they can come and celebrate and grab a smile or a hug and not have to feel anything but love.

So won’t you join me?

 

Underneath the triggers

Woke up early this morning to clean out some writing files and found THIS from a year ago! HA! So many parts of it are STILL TRUE.

Have you been triggered lately? If so.. what’s underneath it? share with me! I’d love to hear.

April, 2017

So, in the past week I have been SUPER triggered twice.

Scenario #1.. email comes in… “Pleasance, I know you are now a full time stay at home mom but I was hoping you might give some time volunteer time to this project I am working on.” 

I read it. I stop. Pit in my stomach. FULL TIME STAY AT HOME MOM?!?! I think to myself. Ohh I feel some anger rise. I feel hot. I feel defensive. I feel like I want to write her RIGHT back and lay out ALL THE THINGS I am working on. But, I don’t. I pause, regroup. sit with it.

I get SUPER curious about what this feeling that just erupted means. Why did I just get so angry? Let me be clear, there is NOTHING WRONG with being a stay at home mom. It’s just not for me. I had like 3 jobs in high school, 12 jobs in college and have always been the type of person who enjoyed working ( A LOT) & people & being busy and making $.

I have always loved to work, to contribute to society in a lot of areas and to create. I LOVE to create things, build things and grow things.

I will never “retire” I don’t ever want to! 

My dream list of things I want to create in my lifetime is LONG and I’m SO GRATEFUL that right now, with no pressure,  I get to work with successful smart women, EVERY. DAY. and pay my bills AND contribute to a few local organizations that I love AND make my kiddos dinner and tuck them in. It’s EXACTLY the life I want to live. And whenever I want to push that pedal and accelerate to teach and speak and write MORE MORE MORE, I will. 

It’s just, not now. In this season, I intentionally pulled back to ground deeply in care practices that nourish me. that are healing. that are so powerful for clarity and efficiency. This season is CRAZY CREATIVE. I feel the flow of my life like NEVER before. The things that keep appearing.. it’s magical.

Hmmm….. well, there’s  ALSO the whole, “I’m going to do this biz my way, thing”- which means that I have spent the last 6 months OFF social media more than ever ( even though it seems like I am on it all the time) and super focused on actual students and real live peeps and offerings and honestly, that takes up most of my working hours.

I have been super intentional about my work/home/life/self  boundaries this year and I’m NOT Letting it all creep together any more and I’m not willing to sacrifice my own health to build a biz. Oh, yeah that. 

And why the anger? B/c I’m crazy motivated, energized and ambitious. B/c the way I used to do things is hard and fast and I make things happen. I create things, BIG things. I build.  But right now, in this season, it is not time to build the next thing that way. It’s time to slow and steady with clarity and intentionality do the work. I show up every day with a few things that I know I CAN do. I do them. I KNOW this way is WAY more sustainable for my dreams and my goals especially as they continue to evolve, but since I love me some action AND I love helping others, trusting in the process and taking my time and putting my SELF and my FAMILY and my health at the top of the list is a new of being.  So this whole, relax a bit more, enjoy your life a bit more- in MANY ways it does work for me.. I LOVE  my freedom and flexibility. I’m blown away by the way that work flows in, the amazing people I work with, and that my profit margins are so much better doing WAY LESS than doing all the things with studio life.

Okay, I breathe. I relax a bit and then I got back to work.

Scenario #2- I get an email from someone I love who writes to me.. “I know that you closed lil omm so that  you could  “step back” and really focus on your family (which is fantastic)” and then BOOM, it happens again. The good news, I am very friendly with this person and I get to ACTUALLY talk to her a few short minutes later and tell her- “AGH! I feel so triggered by that!” I DID NOT close lil omm in order to put my family first. It was just REALLY not the REASON.  I’m working my butt off over here, BUT I’m not hustling. I’m not staying up late. I’m not working 24/7 and so does that mean I am stepping back to put my family first?

and WHY do we have to “make these kind of choices? can’t I have meaningful relationships with my family and my home AND MY WORK?”

Here are the facts ( as I see it)….lil omm had a new owner of our building and I ran all the numbers for months and months and could not make it work.

I made the decision to close the studio.

I needed time to heal and grieve and breathe after working so much for so long.

And then, I broke my foot. It benched me for 6 weeks. I read the book, Sacred Success and realized, I WANT THIS NEXT SEASON, this next BIZ, this next “thing” to grow differently.  

And then I left DC for 2 months. I had already planned that trip as a much needed break from DC for my self and my kiddos and my grandmother was overjoyed that we would be there to hang with her. I single parented for most of that time. I hiked, A LOT. I taught some private yoga and Thrive. It felt spacious and glorious. I treated it mostly like a working vacation, taking coaching clients from my walks, teaching a few gigs in CT and answering emails at night, when I put the kids to bed.

And then my grandma got sick. QUITE sick with Ovarian Cancer. And my growth and dreams and clarity were on Pause. I CONTINUED to build my online class, to teach my weekly classes and my private students and to sustain my biz.  But I traveled to CT a lot and I would close my eyes OFTEN and just tell myself,  “I am so grateful I do not have the studio. I would have been so stressed out with Grandma being sick and running the studio and traveling. What a blessing.” 

Now, my grandma is healthy and I’m like, “OH YES, the season has come.” It’s been over a year since lil omm closed, I’m healthy as ever. I’m ready. I’ve done a year of working with these women and families and I’m like- YEP- this is EXACTLY what I want to do.  ALL my students are successful, smart women who deeply care about their families and their work and living an awesome, healthy (ish)  life. I help them maintain care practices and habits that are sustainable and I give them the tools they need to feel confident and comfortable in their own skin. Oh yeah, and there is the whole guilt -free self -care- thing that our community practices regularly.

So.. here is where I stand. I desire to create a biz that works for me in my life  AND that will have impact on others.  Over time, this biz will allow me to have freedom! creative freedom! financial freedom! and that energizes and sustains me WHILE helping others. This journey has shown me that I can live WELL with less. That I don’t NEED a lot to experience pure joy BUT that  meaningful , relevant work DOES matter to me and that purpose and vision motivate me.  It also also shown me that while I’m not even 40, I have a tremendous gift to lead, create, manifest, problem solve and help others  I used to be VERY afraid to talk about any of these strengths, afraid of boasting, afraid of charging more, afraid to fully embrace it all. 

I could have NEVER done this alone. I have SO MANY teachers, mentors, advisors cheering me on, supporting me, teaching and guiding me. And I realize every day how this all comes from an evolving practice. Showing up on my yoga mat, sitting quietly in meditation, journaling, writing, reading.. and then  of course, the real wisdom  that comes from facing my 2 little teachers each day. 

So, nope right now I don’t have any FB ads running or a multiple seven figure financial goal dangling in front of me. But I realized after these 2 emails that I wanted to say something, stand up for myself and for ALL the women who are working and living and leading in their own ways- in their own time, in their own seasons AND that I LOVE LOVE LOVE we all get to do it our own ways. that I can do it my way, and You get to do it your way. that I make no claims that what works for me, will work for you- and that the only way to know is to fully engage, to ask, to reflect, to gather with other super smart women to ask these same questions.  

I  think all this triggering just led me back to incredible gratitude for what I get to do, who I work with AND that I have the privilege of even writing, thinking and expressing myself so openly, the gift of a lifetime! 

10 years.

4 days before Saylor was born, I sat down and wrote down my energetic and tangible goals.

This month, I spent time looking in my notebooks and binders and goals that I was setting. I found this gem and just SMILED.

I DID IT.

Have you been keeping track over the years of your dreams, desires and wishes? If so, share with me! what changed? What came to life? Came to be?

The Big 10

When I was 10, we went to Florida for a vacation and I bought the COOLEST pair of sneakers. I loved them. They were high tops that were black and neon yellow. They were not my normal style and it was like wearing them turned me into someone different than I was. Someone who had friends, someone who was good at sports, or school or art or something. The sneakers had all the magic. At least while we were in Florida.

When I got back to school, our 4th grade classroom was in the basement, our coatroom in the back of the room by the stairs. I was late that first day back and the classroom door was locked so I had to walk through the coatroom and then across the classroom while everyone was in their seats. I was SO excited for them to see the sneakers. THE SNEAKERS.

I saw one person cover his mouth, snicker and make eyes across the room at another not-so nice- kid. Someone else shushed a whisper and all it took was about 1 minute for the eyes, the awkward smiles and the message to be sent across the room.

They were making fun of me.

Once I picked up on this, ALL I wanted to do was run out of the room, down the hallway, push the back door open and run home. My stomach hurt all day. By lunch time and recess, the kids were so snarky and not shy about saying how stupid my sneakers were. The ones that brought me so much joy just a day before.

I went home that afternoon, took them off and never wore them again.

The thing about Saylor turning 10 is that she is facing her own ebbs and flows, her own highs and lows. She is having fun with friends who then later say harsh things, make fun of her, leave her out. She asks me WHY? and I just don’t know. Part of childhood is just going through all of this, and sharing our own stories with our kids.

Being a mom of a 10 year old feels so different, in ways I can’t really describe.

As she enters this next decade, one of questions and heartbreak, maturity, hormones, love, friendship and no doubt challenges and tears. I have a deep sense of peace and harmony, we are going to be okay, I say to myself. This is what I have been practicing for.

What if we set this intention of our children, of our life stages with confidence, clarity and strength. Stepping in to lead our teens and our lives with love, instead of fear or all the “it’s going to be horrible” talk.

I’m pretty sure, like all other stages of life that there are going to be some hard days and I’m just as sure there are going to be some magical awe inspiring moments, right alongside. B/c that’s how life is. Beautiful and messy.  Full of light and dark. Magical and mysterious. Full of grit and grace.

I was made for this. I can help and handle, I can hold and soothe.

I AM the soft place to land that I set out to be a few years ago.

I used this quote in my book as I began shedding the layers of crazy busy and doing all the things.. “Sensitivity is a sign of life. Better hurt than hardened. I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability.” 

Jeff Brown

I know there will be triggers. I know we are stepping into a new realm, but here’s the thing. We are side by side, hand in hand. Eventually, these hands will drift and she’ll have to stand on her own.

I know I have committed to healing my wounds so that I can see her clearly, fully and without  infusing the shadow of my own childhood.

I step into the responsibility as a parent to take FULL responsibility for my life, in honor of showing up for hers.

My Dear Saylor, happy 10th birthday, my 10th anniversary of being your mama.

When you were inside my belly, I felt your light as a gift from the Divine and you remain one of the best humans I know. You came to me, you found me to teach me love. To teach me surrender, to teach me presence. Before I had you, I was all consumed with proving and striving and then you came in and just led me home to myself.

My true nature..

Mothering you is a gift to my life, every day.

Whatever this future holds, I know that I have DONE love with you.

I have given you tools to help with healing and wholeness.

Somewhere in you is access to the deepest truth, you are love, you are loved and you have love.

Receive it in all ways, my darling.

And to all our of children, may you be held in this same light- to know it and feel it and live it and breathe when things are flowing but more importantly.. when things are hard, when things feel heavy, when you are scared.

Find your way home, that’s the gift you have given to me.

 

What if…

Thought you guys would want to see the letter I recently wrote to a newish teacher of mine. I’ve been studying Law Of Attraction more, journaling about the realm of possibility, contemplating how our minds and societal norms keep us SO CONFUSED AND UNHAPPY and ANXIOUS.
I’m approaching life  (well, I have been for years but I’m coming out of the closet on my practices!)  with new ways of being.. so far, it’s really fun, magical, mysterious and potent.
There is down side is though, I can see even more clearly how closed minded, limited, scared, fearful, bored and unhappy so many are.. all around me I’m hearing the closing down of possibilities, the ” one way to live and be successful” mode of thinking, control and anxiety that is so very prevalent.
To be honest, it’s only inspiring me more to put myself out there, to teach, to share and to help us lighten up a bit…
Anyway, here goes!
Dear XXX,
I live in Washington, DC and I notice/ know that I’m often living in my own world here- b/c so many are attached to ego, the job, political ideals, blah blah- I have ALWAYS been different here- more into yoga and soul than politics and money but.. now, I’m going deeper. And I have just been doing this all b/c it FEELS GOOD. Not really to grow my biz, or heal anything – I have such a wonderful life.. and I celebrate it everyday.
Here’s why I am writing.
My daughter is about to turn 10 and EVERYWHERE people are projecting the negativity of raising a teen on me!
It’s so funny/ weird- this morning as I was walking in nature, listening to music and just floating- I was like “ YES! YES! I’m going to use all of this stuff I’m learning to create the REALITY I want while raising a teenage girl in this society” I felt the ZAP and the chills- b/c I’m SO EXCITED to do it differently. WOWOW-
People are projecting all this “ it’s going to be horrible, enjoy her now” on me and I’m just VIBRATING SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT….. What if it’s NOT SO AWFUL?
After I had this lightbulb moment on my walk, and the trigger / awakening of the negative comments on FB about her being a teen/tween- I got home and got really close to her and joked around and laughed and just was WITH HER having fun.
I’m can feel the connection, the JOY and the FLOW WITH HER- we just got back from a totally IN FLOW trip to NYC where people were commenting  about the “bad” weather and “long” lines we would have and we just had a BLAST – napping when it rained and flowing into all the places we wanted to go to with no lines, no stress, I just watched us have the most magical time…
Anyway, I thought that you would be interested in hearing this – b/c I don’t always here people chatting about this on the coaching/ podcast and I just think WOW- this is powerful in terms of our relationships with our children/ teens.  AND I’m ALWAYS someone who wants to be of service and heal and help, and this feels like the MOST DIRECT, PURPOSEFUL and IMPACTFUL way- by showing up fully and completely for my kids.. what if raising teenagers was FUN and not HORRIBLE???
Hmmmmm… so curious… to be continued…..XOXOXO, P.
————————————
I’m not saying raising a teen will or  won’t be magical, good or bad or hard or easy.
I’m saying that ALL seasons of life have ebbs and flows.
Some seasons are softer than others and some are bitter cold.
But, I trust myself and the Universal Intelligence to be awake to it all. And to continue to find my own alignment, no matter what arises.
 I know that as I have shifted how I see the world in my marriage, my income, my self, my work and how I have allowed things to FLOW TO ME, I am in awe of how I am writing my story, breaking out of shoulds or coulds or woulds and just asking, believing and receiving.  I’ll keep you all updated on this b/c man.. I’m so curious to see how this will unfold.
Relaxing into WHAT IS rather than telling myself a story about how it WILL BE…

Exhale

Saylor and I were wandering around NYC and I remembered there was a store I used to love to go to before kids. A store that Mel & I would spend hours walking around…

When we got to ABC Home and walked upstairs, I forgot about the exhibit I had been wanting to see for years!!!

I am smiling writing this bc the way the whole thing just flowed was magical…

It felt so good to be in this amazing exhibit.

No where to go or be, we got to just totally relax and go slow, letting go of the rush and the plan….What a gift.

I took these for you guys- maybe to journal about this week, to contemplate in your meditation. Enjoy.