You are just love.

“May you be tired and afraid
overwhelmed and ready to quit.
Quit!
Start over, over
ten thousand times over
roll out, get up, fall down
break into tears
open in laughter
sing and dance
be silly, be glad.
May you forget most things,
remember everything,
come to know in your bones
with your blood
through your eyes
from your lips
out of earth
deep below, well beyond
you are love.
You are just love.
Amen.”
Karen Maezen Miller, Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood

in the deep dark winter

without notice, your life will change.
pain will appear and its up to YOU.
How will you respond, react?
pay attention!

it happens to us all.
I felt it- and it was powerful- an explosive complicated mess of health, habits, human beings and stability… whirling around in a tornado this week. tough decisions, painful realities.

as the sun comes out today and shines on me while I stretch. I came home.

in fact, this whole week I was home. Things were being thrown left and right- asking me” WILL YOU DROWN?WILL YOU HIDE? WILL YOU GO DOWN?”

and the answer is no.
My light will shine, my glitter will go on… a way for me to keep dusting off and moving forward.

Learning to trust & love myself- for this resilience .. for the tears & the smiles.

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hi there.

its been a while.
time away from writing, a break.

time to admire. time to watch, to observe.

the beauty is everywhere.

here is a glimpse into what my life looks like right now.

please know, there is much suffering in the world right now. I know it. I feel it. I dedicate my breathing practice to those in pain. I do whatever I can to spread love, not hate.

I honor each of these beautiful moments bc this world suffers. I know it. it helps me to appreciate all the sweet kisses, tight hugs, long nights & tears and makes them more meaningful.

never have I cried this much for joy, for pain, for connection. I feel it.

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turning 36

I’m softer and rounder. I’m slower and kinder.

36

embracing  my curves and

laughing the lines

watching the years turn

knowing where I came from

no clue as to what is ahead

I play more and stress less. I notice beauty in the everyday  and  I’m seeing lots of gray.

Turning 36 is the best gift I have.

I’m healthy. I’m happy. I’m content.

I feel free and creative.

I have support and am surrounded with love.

I give love. I do good work.

I love my children and these beautiful days. Seems like one after the other..

There is no beginning to this, no end. It’s just my life.

I’ve developed my practice and found a teacher.

In this moment, 36 is full of life. All the intentions and the dreaming and wishing has expanded my world into deep happiness.

It comes with struggle, for sure but it’s different now.

Turning 36 is an honor, a privilege really.

 

This morning, in my yoga practice I did something I have never done. I brought myself back in time, to a young couple far from home.

Rebellious & optimistic, these 2 decided to have a baby. unmarried,unplanned, no promises.

I don’t know much about this time, but I know it did not last long. I know they were not meant to be together. My parents were NEVER “my parents”  they were always, my mom & my dad. I have always had totally independent relationships with them. We were never ( in my memory) a family.

But THIS morning, I took a moment to go back to my birth. What was that day like for them 36 years ago. Who were they? What did they feel? Was that the only moment, the only day we were a family of 3? I know so little about this time and I don’t need to.

Whatever the reason, they brought me here. And since I have never been happier in my life or felt more connected or alive….. I have to thank them. They brought me here to this moment, in this life.

Where the sun is peaking out of the clouds.

The birds are singing to me.

Milo is chatting quietly to himself in the other room before he falls off to sleep.

There were many times when I felt lonely and lost, empty, scared and angry. I spent days and years wishing my parents were different, wanting us to live “the perfect” life, dreaming to be someone else.. and when that all stopped…. I woke up to my life, with the people they are and the reality of it all.

BOOM, my heart opened. my life became lighter. I felt ease. I saw love. I let go.

So today might be the first time I have told them, Thank you for this “birth” day. Please know I don’t take it for granted. I know how lucky I am to have been born to you. You taught me empathy, acceptance, you gave me REAL life, you gave me you.

 

This is what you gave me, the ability to see this, to understand love, to know we are perfectly flawed. We are whole. We are love.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~Maya Angelou

what if

do I get to wear the label if I dont stand on my head? I don’t do what they do, don’t look like they look. its not about them, it always been about saving me.

I choose breath over posture. I dont easily do this work. it takes time. I am no gymanst, no dancer. just years of unhealthy stuff put into this body to cover the pain that was layering on. fast food, alcohol, cigarettes, sugar.

the practice sets me straight over & over. clearer & clearer until like magic.. I am me.
whole & loved
open & scared
awake & aware

its all here, in my heart.
(and it was the whole time)

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into my soul- 2014.

“In setting her Gratitude table, a stream of candles lined the centerfold. She invited the friends of Trust, Love and Peace. Together, she let Joy and Inspiration mingle with Magic. Her gingerbread cookies danced and the icing slipped off because nothing is perfect. Everything is just the way it is supposed to be, and her genuine laughter tickled her glow.”

from this blog. wow.

This is it.

a perfect picture of how it all happens. how things unfold.. as I sit and do the work to craft this year.

I feel the fear& intensity that bubble up. endless possibilities. which direction will I go? which paths to pursue?which idea to follow?

For the past 4 -5 years my husband and I have retreated in the winter to the Delaware shore. (the same beautiful, magical, peaceful spot I lived at this summer)  During the summer,  it’s hot & crowded & full of life. In the winter, it’s cold & quiet. The most beautiful mornings of awakening and evenings of cozy winter sunsets with so much sky. family time. down time. creative play time. lots of food & wine and just rest. Naps live here along with movies & pjs.

And a most SPECIAL time just for me. At night, or early in the morning- I plan. I dream. I wish for the new year. I set my expectations for myself, my bness, my personal life. Last year I decided I was going to RETREAT. I set a plan to eventually stop nursing and I planned a silent meditation trip, which led to one more & one more & one more….

Last year, I sat in this same seat.. dreaming, wondering, curious, investigating. Self Inquiry is a huge part of my life. navigating the ever changing internal world of a kind of messed up teenager turned passionate public school teacher, turned yoga lover, turned mama, turned studio owner, turned … who knows what’s next. But I do know there is something here.

we all keep changing. this is not MY experience. it’s OUR experience.  We all keep wearing different hats, changing roles, charting new territory….

I have NEVER been a married mama of two kiddos, running her own growing bness before.

AND IT IS TERRIFYING… this whole thing- it’s like NEW every. single.day.

Some may say this is all “silly” or “self indulgent” or “just playing” but I promise you…. it’s the way I have come to make solid, life changing decisions. The way I have come to know so clearly, who I am. The way I have continued to dig deeper. (sometimes daily) To be more “me”,  more of the time. Every winter I play with my creative side, with logistics, with my heart and my calendar. I map out the next few months, my goals & my time. I set boundaries. I play with freedom and content. I set the intention to continue to share what I do with others, to inspire others to do this work for themselves and share it with the ones they love. Turn off the TV. Sit down and breathe.

My idea of healthy living is pretty simple… eat well. sleep well. play well. love well. be kind. practice. daily& daily&daily…. I try to make sure each of these lovely days I have are a mix of all the things I truly value. family. health. community. connection. Here’s a glimpse into my 2014. This year, I need a WHOLE book  to capture it all & I’m using The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte to help guide me in new directions…. (email me @info@lilomm.com  if you want to talk about creating something for you or if you need any help along the way)

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dedication

What though the radiance
which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.
— William Wordsworth