Still standing

About a week before I turned 40, my mind was buzzing with the BIG questions. What’s next? Where should I put my energy? My intellect? What is my heart yearning for? And I was pulling aside all my closest friends and confidants- my “advisors” asking for HELP.

The same messaged kept coming back

– “I know whatever you decide will be right for you.”

-“I trust you will figure it out. You always do. ”

– and then I said to myself… ” are you making trouble again!?!?”

I have a tendency ( anyone else?) to start to dig around and find trouble when things are perfectly fine. In fact, MORE than fine. Really good. Like, I am scared to say out loud bc I don’t want to make others feels bad, kind of good.

And, here’s the thing. I have a lot of new things on my plate. I have a lot of things cooking that may bring more exposure, more responsibility, more impact, more followers, etc And it is scaring the sh*t out of me. Growing pains. Fear. Imposter Syndrome. Expansion, Evolving, AGAIN.

Yep, I have spent (and continue to spend!) a lot of time aligning my life and my work, actively engaging in self- awareness & integrating into my life well being practices that bring more of the good stuff.

What are those you might ask?

1. Gratitude and appreciation all the time as much as possible- and not in a BS way- but in a real, authentic just to me and my own values, way.

2. Journaling and reflecting regularly on my inner life, talking with my intuition, listening for guidance. Paying attention to my action, thought and habit patterns through writing.

3. Writing and sharing ( now a podcast!) stories and conversations around living in a deliberate, conscious way- and putting soul self-care on my to do list- Every day. I can NOT believe how amazing and fulfilling my relationships are when I do this. I see myself clearly, and that helps me to see others in a much more loving way. I love being kind, I love to see them, accept them. I let them be.

4. Trust. trust. trust. I have a primary relationship that I trust in, I have a best friend, a body, a mind, a heart that I love more than anything. Nope, not Mel- not the kiddos. It is with myself. I adore spending time alone- just delighting in a book, a stretch, a walk, some music, I enjoy my own company. I honor and prioritize this relationship over all others. And while some might think/ say “that is selfish!” the thing I hear the most from others is– “how do you do it all? the kids? the biz? the marriage?the community work?” And I see my calendar filled with my clients who I adore- my groups that are dynamic and engaging, my family and community- I see my life as a reflection of that self -love and self- compassion. It really blows my mind.

So I circle back to the questions of last week and all I see now is me smiling. With all the ways in which I just live my life as art. Creating, sharing, loving, being, holding hands, hugging.

It feels so good, to NOT have a 5 year PLAN. To not know the outcome.

To let go and let in.

To just be present with what is NOW.

At the end of my life, whenever that moment appears- I KNOW I will have given it my all. I showed up. I went to the darkest places and I made my way through. I did not do it perfectly. There was a lot of mess, but it was MINE! My expression, my experiences, my words, my tears, my asking for help and sometimes just standing on my own, on the earth, arms wide open, shouting ALL THE YES! Do you know what that feels like to save your own life?

All that We Share Is Sacred

All that We Share Is Sacred

By Andre Mol

As we gather together,

May we remember

When you share with me what is most important to you,

That is where listening begins.

When I show you that I hear you,

When I say your life matters,

That is where compassion begins.

When I open the door to greet you,

That is where hospitality begins.

When I venture out to bring you to shelter,

That is where love begins.

When I risk my comfort to ease your suffering,

When I act against hatred, violence, and injustice,

That is where courage begins.

When we experience the full presence of each other,

Because of our shared humanity,

Because of our differences,

That is where holy gratitude begins.

May this space be a table

that is not complete

until all are welcome.

May this table be a space of beauty

where together

we create a series of miracles, and

where all that we share is sacred.

May it be so.

Mother’s Love.

dear mother❤️

you provide and protect

heal and whole, your true nature

How did I not see you?

Not feel you?

Not know you?

I was so lost. So afraid. So alone.

NOW you are everywhere.

I am born from you, we all are.

Never separate, all ways connected.

Within you, within me- ALL is well.

All is seen, heard, felt, known.

inside of me,

never on my own,

never lost.

Just right, here.

LISTEN.

You hold the gifts of my heart.

I receive.

Your rays of warmth to grow, expand, open, if I dare.

And you shower me with rain, whispering {my dear}

get messy in the mud.

You guide-

sometimes boldly,

sometimes gently,

sometimes you scare me.

I scare me.

And then, eventually, peace. perhaps?

I watch you, watch me.

always.

ALL WAYS.

How Working Less Brought Me More

I’m obsessed with living a good life. I think you know this.

I’m passionate and totally enthralled with lifestyle design, joy, productivity and LOVING how you plan your days so that you can do ALL THE THINGS and STILL FEEL GREAT.

All this led me to a deep dive over the past 5 years in HOW TO build a life I LOVE AND do it on MY TERMS. MY HOURS. MY FINANCIAL GOALS. MY WAY.

And it worked.

One of the things that I REALLY put into practice was “working less” in order to find, sustain and nurture my

creativity, intuition, and “inner wise self” as  writer, SARK, calls it.

So I said, okay- let’s try it. Let go of ALL The DOING ALL THE TIME.

Let go of the packed schedule and NEVER finding time for me

( although, that’s not REALLY my story… but just go with me on this one)

Let go of the “taking care of everyone else first”  et VOILA!

My schedule for work is usually around 20-30 hours a week and I make a good living.

I’m comfortable, live in plenty of abundance ( time, energy, money) and actually deeply appreciate and discovered my authentic frugal self who just truly finds pleasure in small things, simple things and nature and “finding a deal!”

I know if I really WANTED to make more, I could.

But right now, this all feels really good. So that works for me.

Now, I used to drive a BMW. Yep, I did. And I used to live in a 2 million dollar house. And I used to own a beach condo.  And to be honest, I was not a fan of all this STUFF, responsibility or  people thinking they “knew ”  who I was just by the car I drove and the house I lived in.

I always felt like a weirdo imposter, like it was “someone else’s car and LIFE!”

The house was a beautiful gift that my husband built for me. It was an incredible place. AND we grew away from it. From the size, from the shifting of our family, from the bills. It all just felt like WAY TOO MUCH and that did not bring that deep peace that I so craved and desired.

 

In my 20’s  I was jet setting to Vegas and day drinking in a Cabana. Okay, THAT was really fun. I used to THINK I wanted fancy bags and jeans that shopping would make me happy and I acquired thousands and thousands of dollars in debt along the way.  Do you know what TRULY makes me happy? having no credit card debt and a HEALTHY relationship with money that gives me FREEDOM and POWER. Being honest with what I can afford and what’s just way too much, right now. Making CHOICES about how I spend my money based on my values, not on my BAD HABITS or stories from my childhood.

If you look at my cored desired feelings/ personal values & life mission & compare  it to my bank account, it totally aligns… you will see things for learning, giving and family! That is so cool!!!

But eventually, all that glitz and glitter and fancy schmancy just stopped being something I cared about.  Having kids, watching “rich” friends be REALLY unhappy, practicing more and more yoga, meditation retreats and journaling. SO. MUCH. JOURNALING.

And now, I just truly work less and play more. I have LEARNED that the downtime DOES bring on my best ideas, insights AND that when I step away from it all, the NOT- SO – IMPORTANT things that I used to stress about, sometimes they just don’t get done.

And that’s okay.

I have also learned to let go of WAY- TO- BIG expectations around all I can “accomplish” in a week, month, year  and learn to slow down enough to ENJOY the creative process.

I used to be really afraid that if I did not take action right now, the ideas would dry up or disappear ( helloooo scarcity! ) and now I know that they flow in AND out.

Some things I put forward and some things I just don’t end up doing.

And that’s okay.

The MORE I take care of myself first, and follow the flow- the ideas just POUR out of me!

It’s so fun. Being creative is fun. Finding flow in daily life is fun. This is NOT unique to me, just so you know, it’s accessible to YOU as well.

Getting older feels awesome in my biz b/c now I trust my instincts, flows, ideas and cycles.  I have learned how to ride the waves, how to put something out there- see if anyone else is interested in that and then let it go if not.

I have learned how to PROTECT my scared work time in the day.

And now I teach other multi passionate peeps to do that too- HOW COOL?

There is,

time to create and time to rest.

time to sweat and time to focus.

time to work and time to play.

And every day, I show up and I do SOMETHING. I write, I coach, I share, I mentor, I plan, I pay a bill, I help someone, I play, I rest.  I trust and the hardest for me has been ..

TO ALLOW.

I heard someone ask recently, ” what could I do today so that I can go to  sleep tonight knowing that I had a life well lived?”

I know that at the end of my life, I don’t want to be known as someone who “worked all the time.”  I want to be known as someone who LIVED and LOVED and TRIED and FAILED and LAUGHED AND CRIED and was just fully embracing this life stuff.

 

LOA Magical Flows & Creations

(LOA is law of attraction) ✨✨✨

I started the week, with this intention.

” I am ready to receive, I allow things to flow through me and I have space, strength and clarity. I live daily in appreciation for what is AND I am excited about what’s to come.”

I do this in 2 parts. 1. Write in my journal in the am- Thoughts of expansion, creation and intention!

Then I move into 2, moving it through my body. So when I go out for a walk, I think thoughts of gratitude and expansion and lightness. I swing my arms and breathe deeply. Maybe for 5 minutes. I just repeat, I allow and I receive. I will look for evidence of my creations and thoughts daily.

This week I set a few intentions for my biz, speaking more- connecting to like minded successful women in biz, getting some new photos for my biz. But I only set these intentions AFTER I was totally aligned and inspired in my body- So that means coming into these actions with GOOD JUJU!

By the end of the week- I had hired ( and bartered for some new photos, applied to speak at a new conference in 2019- that was announced in my email 10 minutes after I said to a friend ” I am looking for more places to speak!”

Got the most generous offers on an upcoming retreat I am leading- just making mote space in my body for all kinds of abundance and generosity-and THEN invited to 2 retreats as a leader and they invited Saylor to come along, and my whole body screamed, YES!

Okay and for the grand finale-

1. I had a powerful transformational conversation with my husband, one that was a long time coming!

2. I attracted a new beautiful, amazing private client who I can not wait to serve.

3. One of my favorite clients sent me an update on her week after our last session- where I encouraged her to use a bunch of these high vibe tools and mindset practices to attract what SHE wants and omg!!!

She did it! It took her 1 week to manifest the goal she had set for herself, I am so thrilled for her! Magical! RESULTS. ❤️✨

So in service and in love- I hope this inspires you to relax the mind, open your heart, take care of your energy and maybe try step 1 or 2 this week- Let me know how it goes!

On My Own

This morning I put on shorts and a tee shirt. Walked the kids to school, gave a smooch and walked home.

I was all packed up and ready to go but something didn’t feel right.

I went in and changed to one of my favorite long flowy dresses that I wore when I was pregnant. Putting it on makes me feel so good- so feminine- so-free!

NOW, I am ready.

A few times a year I spend at least 24-48 hours away from my daily life.

On my own.

I have been known to rent hotel rooms, say yes to workshops or retreats that feel good and then come and go as I please or travel alone to somewhere new.

When the kids were super little and I had the studio, Mel would take them out of town for the weekend and I would stay home alone.

While I always find benefit AFTER the adventure, quiet, silence, experience. The first 12-24 hours away from my kids and Mel is STILL hard.

I feel unsettled. antsy. restless.

In theory, leaving my life for contemplation, reflection, quiet would be amazing! Eat what I want! Do what I want! No family dishes! or long drawn out bedtimes! Sleep!Meditate! Yoga!

Now that I have done this for so many years, I’m getting more familiar with the transition period, the loneliness? the discomfort of being and not doing?

Even though I do a lot of alone time in my regular daily life, this time physically away is always somehow different .

The standing on my own 2 feet, making all my own decisions without input from the choir of preferences that usually fill my day.

Sometimes, I get lost- I don’t feel like arguing about another night of pizza or burgers so I just say yes. Or bc I don’t have a strong preference about something, I just fade into fabric of our family routines and rhythm.

Here, in the middle of nowhere New Jersey- I am not defined as a mama or a wife or the crazy yoga teacher.

When I go out on my own, I just breathe. I fold into the landscape, I watch.

I write and write and write and write.

I notice everything.

A moment of lightJOY freedom on a long walk in the sun-

is followed by a hard smack in the head.

“You are alone, practice letting go. Someday you might be on your own. Don’t be afraid. Lean into this truth and stand your ground. Feel your body breathing and the discomfort of mortality. practice the company of you. ” she says.

Once I get into the groove of my aloneness, it becomes sweet and then it will be time to return- the drive home.

I will be anxiously dreaming to hold them close and feel their squeezes, even hear the dog bark. Walk to school and make the lunch.

Maybe when I get back, the sun will be shining on my face and I will be flooded with memories from my latest adventure- walking on my own -down the long windy farm road, dress flowing, hair long and loose.

I love that lady who wanders.

Who trusts.

Who allows.

Who releases.

Who feels.

Who notices.

May I continue to find and nourish her through all stages of my life.

May I have the strength, support and abundance to pause.

To move. To rest. To relax. To be. ✨🙏🏽❤️