Bye Bob.

I am sitting here in my car emotional about the goodbye.

For years this guy has been with me. Walked all over DC. Carried my babies. Held my groceries. Brought me home and traveled with us. 

Goodbye BOB! You served us so well. You gave me the FREEDOM I needed as a mama when I did not have childcare and was dying to move my body.

I am sitting here thinking of all the places we went together- the laughs- the tears- the beautiful new mama talks I had on the phone with countless friends while my babies slept.  And all the miles I put into Stroller Strides loving the women I met. 

first, with saylor. then, with milo. 

the times they screamed for no reason, and I sang to soothe them. the lonely hours I pondered life- wondering what this motherhood thing was about while I walked to Dupont and Georgetown or Palisades or Bethesda. just walking helped everyone feel better. 

One time, when Saylor was a baby- we were running to a class I was teaching- and we got a flat tire. I remember it was summer and so hot and I figured out a way to fix the tire long enough to get us to class to teach! I was so proud of myself for fixing that tire!! while she just cooed and eventually fell asleep.

and a few years later,  I had tiny tiny milo in the baby carrier and saylor in the stroller and I was so frustrated and bored and lonely at home with them that afternoon. I thought it would be great to go in the woods….on a wooded, branchy sort of trail. with no path. I cried. they cried. we got lost, I had to pee and hours later we made it home, somehow. it was ROUGH.

And now the day has come to say goodbye. You were so well loved- and this mamas heart feels the change that a new stage brings. 
when all the babies are not babies. when you dont need a jogging stroller for exercise, community, life support- when you grow out of   pushing babies and into doing homework and big kid stuff.

it was a blessed ride.

sweetness of it all- the duality of love-love-love and loss-loss-loss.

*fyi I know its crazy to write a blog post about a stroller. I also cant believe how incredibly emotional I am as I watch this mama push the stroller away from our home.

♥️

being here

when I was a little girl, I could walk to this beach from my grandparents house. I was lonely. It was usually empty. I would wander around the dunes dreaming of my future and wishing I had siblings. My family let me be free when we went to Nantucket- I spent a lot of time alone.  I would bike here or walk and make up stories, talk to myself… 

Today, when most of my family left the island… I headed right to my spot. I told the kids you dont have to get out of the car, its up to you. ” mom, its cold! its windy!” Its always windy here, you guys…. and then THIS.

They ran and played – we climbed and sang and jumped and got very,very dirty. 

Returning to my sacred places from childhood with these 2 is quite surreal. 

Now we have a few days that will be much quieter. which I know will bring more

magic, how could it not?  

                    

dancing my way towards 40.

No, I’m not turning 40, YET.( I can’t wait!)
But today, I’m 37.
I love it….. getting older & stronger & yet, more relaxed.

I was listening to a podcast where Amanda Palmer said she “lives with abundance and trust rather than scarcity and fear.” And I thought, yeah- that’s what I’m moving towards. That’s it.

The incredible people I get to be in relationship with, who make me laugh & send over notes, who hold my hand and give me a hug and who show unwavering support, no matter the crazy idea. And to the people in our community whom I get the pleasure of sharing yoga with- and who want to learn & go deeper, ask questions & who reach out for help, I love you.

This year, I stand proud knowing that my life does have a mission, a purpose and a depth that I always wanted and I always craved.

I’m here to help build community, support and encourage others around me to do the same in ways that feel meaningful and authentic to them.
I’m here to create a a space in which people are seen, heard & acknowledged, and to nurture a multi- generational community of love and of acceptance.

This year,
I’m learning not to be afraid of my strength or my softness,
not to be afraid of what may come; whether a blessing or a tragedy.

What if this is my last year, day, moment?
I know nothing is guaranteed except that there is an end.
And that, my friends, is motivation enough for me.
The reality that there is no promise of tomorrow.
No promise of next time, no definitive “see you soon”, it is all so precious. And I get it.

37 years ago tonight, I wonder what they were like.
How they felt, what they talked about, what supports they had, what fears did they have?
A 19 year old jewish boy from CT & a 21 year old young woman from Springfield, IL, had a baby.
They were not married, they were not “financially secure”, they were young. I don’t think the families approved. And here I was.
I don’t know the whole truth of those times in Olympia, Washington where I was born.
But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t easy.
And I now know, that being a new parent has so many ups and downs.
I can’t even imagine what it was like for them.

I have never thought about what they were going through in order to take care of me or how being a parent may or may not have changed them, right there, in those early days. What were they like? Did they call friends/family and ask for help? Did they cry over coffee and wine and talk about how hard it was on the relationship, on their lives? Was it hard? I’m trying to relate to them as I do with other new parents in the DC area- and it’s just a different world. My parents did not stay together long- and I have no memories of us ever being a family.

I don’t think my parents were talking about trusting the Universe or listening to the Divine.. not the way I do now. But I know that they somehow found their way, and so did I. These days, social media brings all of this attention to your birthday – everyone knows! In some ways, what a gift! To hear from long lost friends, to see kind things written about you, to feel loved. And in other ways, for me, this day is a celebration of LIFE!
Of cherishing the memories I have been so blessed to have, to remember all the smiles, laughs, good times that I shared with people in my life, who contact me TODAY!. AND honoring the harder ones to, the birthdays were I was alone, scared, angry, AFRAID of living- of pain, of loving too much, of being embarrassed or being seen. The birthdays I spent being selfish and greedy and controlling… the ones where I always wanted more.

Today was simple. Today was sweet. (until Milo had 3 afternoon tantrums!) But I also experienced another layer of healing, b/c I’m learning to trust the story, to hold in my heart those young parents who had a baby girl with no manual in hand, and to send them love in a whole new way. To let go of the issues of my past and to move courageously into the future without a plan. To trust that the life I am leading, that we ALL are leading today, is the way it is to be. And that even when we THINK we are controlling, planning, scheduling, reminding, busily buzzing along with our packed agendas and our self important calendars – that we are all just brothers and sisters here, together for a short time. That the only thing we leave with is our memories of experiences and the quality of our relationships.

In many ways, just a normal day, passings and exchanges.
Meaningless greetings & comments about the weather,
full of the commonality of daily life, that inherently is a privilege.

but to me, it’s more.

A BIG thank you to the Universe for leading me here, for sending me home, for giving me the gift of forgiveness and love, for showing me that generosity can win, that heart matters and to trust in the mystery. I belong here, and so do you. IMG_6500

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To be your mama….

  

so… it would not be my day without them. I mean, WHOA.

This is hard. Its the bestest & hardest.

Like so many mamas- I have no greater love. 

I never knew it would be like this. So lovely, so wonderful, so damn challenging. They are these insanse gifts from god, All of our children are.

Little buddhas, awake, intense, loving and brave. There are never enough kisses. It’s all passing..  its all changing, in time. 

Moments when I am my best & my worst. Nonetheless, I wake up and crave your hugs- your smiles-your tiny body curled into mine. 

Thank you Saylor&Milo for all you give me, show me, teach me- all that YOU are… YOU CAME out of my flesh- you birthed me a mama. You are LOVE.  

 

forgiveness

for more years than I can count
I was angry & sad
disappointed, resentful.

forgiveness comes with time,
comes with practice.

compassion practice unarmored me.

but all I had to do was nothing.
get out of the way.
step aside – stop the show.

slow the train,
shift the perspective.

release the madness.
make a choice to let it go.

forgiveness is the sweet bliss
from practice.

it just was, ease-ful.
gentle.

unanswerable questions, fears and unknowns.

forgiveness is the gift of our lives.
it matures us and nourishes us enough that we can
be more, be there for others. for ourselves. there is no separation, really.
I can see the subtle strength
when the ego releases the need to hold. so. tight.

just sit in the stillness of the love in your soul.
trust that you will find the way.

* This poem is dedicated to my mom on this Mother’s Day.
It’s been a long time coming, and now I’m ready to let go of the past.
Last weekend, we visited for the first time in over 5 years.
I realized how much we are alike…
The silliness, the love of nature, animals and kiddos,
the deep yearning for connection and the huge heart that she gifted me.

And for this, Mom, I say Thank You.
Being with you and my children was beautiful. To see you loving them in ways that you loved me.
While I have not always seen it- nor appreciated it- nor recognized it as valuable.. you did love me, the best you could. And I see you. Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who have complicated relationships with their mamas. I wish you peace and FORGIVENESS.

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