Still standing

About a week before I turned 40, my mind was buzzing with the BIG questions. What’s next? Where should I put my energy? My intellect? What is my heart yearning for? And I was pulling aside all my closest friends and confidants- my “advisors” asking for HELP.

The same messaged kept coming back

– “I know whatever you decide will be right for you.”

-“I trust you will figure it out. You always do. ”

– and then I said to myself… ” are you making trouble again!?!?”

I have a tendency ( anyone else?) to start to dig around and find trouble when things are perfectly fine. In fact, MORE than fine. Really good. Like, I am scared to say out loud bc I don’t want to make others feels bad, kind of good.

And, here’s the thing. I have a lot of new things on my plate. I have a lot of things cooking that may bring more exposure, more responsibility, more impact, more followers, etc And it is scaring the sh*t out of me. Growing pains. Fear. Imposter Syndrome. Expansion, Evolving, AGAIN.

Yep, I have spent (and continue to spend!) a lot of time aligning my life and my work, actively engaging in self- awareness & integrating into my life well being practices that bring more of the good stuff.

What are those you might ask?

1. Gratitude and appreciation all the time as much as possible- and not in a BS way- but in a real, authentic just to me and my own values, way.

2. Journaling and reflecting regularly on my inner life, talking with my intuition, listening for guidance. Paying attention to my action, thought and habit patterns through writing.

3. Writing and sharing ( now a podcast!) stories and conversations around living in a deliberate, conscious way- and putting soul self-care on my to do list- Every day. I can NOT believe how amazing and fulfilling my relationships are when I do this. I see myself clearly, and that helps me to see others in a much more loving way. I love being kind, I love to see them, accept them. I let them be.

4. Trust. trust. trust. I have a primary relationship that I trust in, I have a best friend, a body, a mind, a heart that I love more than anything. Nope, not Mel- not the kiddos. It is with myself. I adore spending time alone- just delighting in a book, a stretch, a walk, some music, I enjoy my own company. I honor and prioritize this relationship over all others. And while some might think/ say “that is selfish!” the thing I hear the most from others is– “how do you do it all? the kids? the biz? the marriage?the community work?” And I see my calendar filled with my clients who I adore- my groups that are dynamic and engaging, my family and community- I see my life as a reflection of that self -love and self- compassion. It really blows my mind.

So I circle back to the questions of last week and all I see now is me smiling. With all the ways in which I just live my life as art. Creating, sharing, loving, being, holding hands, hugging.

It feels so good, to NOT have a 5 year PLAN. To not know the outcome.

To let go and let in.

To just be present with what is NOW.

At the end of my life, whenever that moment appears- I KNOW I will have given it my all. I showed up. I went to the darkest places and I made my way through. I did not do it perfectly. There was a lot of mess, but it was MINE! My expression, my experiences, my words, my tears, my asking for help and sometimes just standing on my own, on the earth, arms wide open, shouting ALL THE YES! Do you know what that feels like to save your own life?

This entry was posted in general.

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