On My Own

This morning I put on shorts and a tee shirt. Walked the kids to school, gave a smooch and walked home.

I was all packed up and ready to go but something didn’t feel right.

I went in and changed to one of my favorite long flowy dresses that I wore when I was pregnant. Putting it on makes me feel so good- so feminine- so-free!

NOW, I am ready.

A few times a year I spend at least 24-48 hours away from my daily life.

On my own.

I have been known to rent hotel rooms, say yes to workshops or retreats that feel good and then come and go as I please or travel alone to somewhere new.

When the kids were super little and I had the studio, Mel would take them out of town for the weekend and I would stay home alone.

While I always find benefit AFTER the adventure, quiet, silence, experience. The first 12-24 hours away from my kids and Mel is STILL hard.

I feel unsettled. antsy. restless.

In theory, leaving my life for contemplation, reflection, quiet would be amazing! Eat what I want! Do what I want! No family dishes! or long drawn out bedtimes! Sleep!Meditate! Yoga!

Now that I have done this for so many years, I’m getting more familiar with the transition period, the loneliness? the discomfort of being and not doing?

Even though I do a lot of alone time in my regular daily life, this time physically away is always somehow different .

The standing on my own 2 feet, making all my own decisions without input from the choir of preferences that usually fill my day.

Sometimes, I get lost- I don’t feel like arguing about another night of pizza or burgers so I just say yes. Or bc I don’t have a strong preference about something, I just fade into fabric of our family routines and rhythm.

Here, in the middle of nowhere New Jersey- I am not defined as a mama or a wife or the crazy yoga teacher.

When I go out on my own, I just breathe. I fold into the landscape, I watch.

I write and write and write and write.

I notice everything.

A moment of lightJOY freedom on a long walk in the sun-

is followed by a hard smack in the head.

“You are alone, practice letting go. Someday you might be on your own. Don’t be afraid. Lean into this truth and stand your ground. Feel your body breathing and the discomfort of mortality. practice the company of you. ” she says.

Once I get into the groove of my aloneness, it becomes sweet and then it will be time to return- the drive home.

I will be anxiously dreaming to hold them close and feel their squeezes, even hear the dog bark. Walk to school and make the lunch.

Maybe when I get back, the sun will be shining on my face and I will be flooded with memories from my latest adventure- walking on my own -down the long windy farm road, dress flowing, hair long and loose.

I love that lady who wanders.

Who trusts.

Who allows.

Who releases.

Who feels.

Who notices.

May I continue to find and nourish her through all stages of my life.

May I have the strength, support and abundance to pause.

To move. To rest. To relax. To be. ✨🙏🏽❤️

This entry was posted in general.

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