Underneath the triggers

Woke up early this morning to clean out some writing files and found THIS from a year ago! HA! So many parts of it are STILL TRUE.

Have you been triggered lately? If so.. what’s underneath it? share with me! I’d love to hear.

April, 2017

So, in the past week I have been SUPER triggered twice.

Scenario #1.. email comes in… “Pleasance, I know you are now a full time stay at home mom but I was hoping you might give some time volunteer time to this project I am working on.” 

I read it. I stop. Pit in my stomach. FULL TIME STAY AT HOME MOM?!?! I think to myself. Ohh I feel some anger rise. I feel hot. I feel defensive. I feel like I want to write her RIGHT back and lay out ALL THE THINGS I am working on. But, I don’t. I pause, regroup. sit with it.

I get SUPER curious about what this feeling that just erupted means. Why did I just get so angry? Let me be clear, there is NOTHING WRONG with being a stay at home mom. It’s just not for me. I had like 3 jobs in high school, 12 jobs in college and have always been the type of person who enjoyed working ( A LOT) & people & being busy and making $.

I have always loved to work, to contribute to society in a lot of areas and to create. I LOVE to create things, build things and grow things.

I will never “retire” I don’t ever want to! 

My dream list of things I want to create in my lifetime is LONG and I’m SO GRATEFUL that right now, with no pressure,  I get to work with successful smart women, EVERY. DAY. and pay my bills AND contribute to a few local organizations that I love AND make my kiddos dinner and tuck them in. It’s EXACTLY the life I want to live. And whenever I want to push that pedal and accelerate to teach and speak and write MORE MORE MORE, I will. 

It’s just, not now. In this season, I intentionally pulled back to ground deeply in care practices that nourish me. that are healing. that are so powerful for clarity and efficiency. This season is CRAZY CREATIVE. I feel the flow of my life like NEVER before. The things that keep appearing.. it’s magical.

Hmmm….. well, there’s  ALSO the whole, “I’m going to do this biz my way, thing”- which means that I have spent the last 6 months OFF social media more than ever ( even though it seems like I am on it all the time) and super focused on actual students and real live peeps and offerings and honestly, that takes up most of my working hours.

I have been super intentional about my work/home/life/self  boundaries this year and I’m NOT Letting it all creep together any more and I’m not willing to sacrifice my own health to build a biz. Oh, yeah that. 

And why the anger? B/c I’m crazy motivated, energized and ambitious. B/c the way I used to do things is hard and fast and I make things happen. I create things, BIG things. I build.  But right now, in this season, it is not time to build the next thing that way. It’s time to slow and steady with clarity and intentionality do the work. I show up every day with a few things that I know I CAN do. I do them. I KNOW this way is WAY more sustainable for my dreams and my goals especially as they continue to evolve, but since I love me some action AND I love helping others, trusting in the process and taking my time and putting my SELF and my FAMILY and my health at the top of the list is a new of being.  So this whole, relax a bit more, enjoy your life a bit more- in MANY ways it does work for me.. I LOVE  my freedom and flexibility. I’m blown away by the way that work flows in, the amazing people I work with, and that my profit margins are so much better doing WAY LESS than doing all the things with studio life.

Okay, I breathe. I relax a bit and then I got back to work.

Scenario #2- I get an email from someone I love who writes to me.. “I know that you closed lil omm so that  you could  “step back” and really focus on your family (which is fantastic)” and then BOOM, it happens again. The good news, I am very friendly with this person and I get to ACTUALLY talk to her a few short minutes later and tell her- “AGH! I feel so triggered by that!” I DID NOT close lil omm in order to put my family first. It was just REALLY not the REASON.  I’m working my butt off over here, BUT I’m not hustling. I’m not staying up late. I’m not working 24/7 and so does that mean I am stepping back to put my family first?

and WHY do we have to “make these kind of choices? can’t I have meaningful relationships with my family and my home AND MY WORK?”

Here are the facts ( as I see it)….lil omm had a new owner of our building and I ran all the numbers for months and months and could not make it work.

I made the decision to close the studio.

I needed time to heal and grieve and breathe after working so much for so long.

And then, I broke my foot. It benched me for 6 weeks. I read the book, Sacred Success and realized, I WANT THIS NEXT SEASON, this next BIZ, this next “thing” to grow differently.  

And then I left DC for 2 months. I had already planned that trip as a much needed break from DC for my self and my kiddos and my grandmother was overjoyed that we would be there to hang with her. I single parented for most of that time. I hiked, A LOT. I taught some private yoga and Thrive. It felt spacious and glorious. I treated it mostly like a working vacation, taking coaching clients from my walks, teaching a few gigs in CT and answering emails at night, when I put the kids to bed.

And then my grandma got sick. QUITE sick with Ovarian Cancer. And my growth and dreams and clarity were on Pause. I CONTINUED to build my online class, to teach my weekly classes and my private students and to sustain my biz.  But I traveled to CT a lot and I would close my eyes OFTEN and just tell myself,  “I am so grateful I do not have the studio. I would have been so stressed out with Grandma being sick and running the studio and traveling. What a blessing.” 

Now, my grandma is healthy and I’m like, “OH YES, the season has come.” It’s been over a year since lil omm closed, I’m healthy as ever. I’m ready. I’ve done a year of working with these women and families and I’m like- YEP- this is EXACTLY what I want to do.  ALL my students are successful, smart women who deeply care about their families and their work and living an awesome, healthy (ish)  life. I help them maintain care practices and habits that are sustainable and I give them the tools they need to feel confident and comfortable in their own skin. Oh yeah, and there is the whole guilt -free self -care- thing that our community practices regularly.

So.. here is where I stand. I desire to create a biz that works for me in my life  AND that will have impact on others.  Over time, this biz will allow me to have freedom! creative freedom! financial freedom! and that energizes and sustains me WHILE helping others. This journey has shown me that I can live WELL with less. That I don’t NEED a lot to experience pure joy BUT that  meaningful , relevant work DOES matter to me and that purpose and vision motivate me.  It also also shown me that while I’m not even 40, I have a tremendous gift to lead, create, manifest, problem solve and help others  I used to be VERY afraid to talk about any of these strengths, afraid of boasting, afraid of charging more, afraid to fully embrace it all. 

I could have NEVER done this alone. I have SO MANY teachers, mentors, advisors cheering me on, supporting me, teaching and guiding me. And I realize every day how this all comes from an evolving practice. Showing up on my yoga mat, sitting quietly in meditation, journaling, writing, reading.. and then  of course, the real wisdom  that comes from facing my 2 little teachers each day. 

So, nope right now I don’t have any FB ads running or a multiple seven figure financial goal dangling in front of me. But I realized after these 2 emails that I wanted to say something, stand up for myself and for ALL the women who are working and living and leading in their own ways- in their own time, in their own seasons AND that I LOVE LOVE LOVE we all get to do it our own ways. that I can do it my way, and You get to do it your way. that I make no claims that what works for me, will work for you- and that the only way to know is to fully engage, to ask, to reflect, to gather with other super smart women to ask these same questions.  

I  think all this triggering just led me back to incredible gratitude for what I get to do, who I work with AND that I have the privilege of even writing, thinking and expressing myself so openly, the gift of a lifetime! 

This entry was posted in general.

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