When I was 10, we went to Florida for a vacation and I bought the COOLEST pair of sneakers. I loved them. They were high tops that were black and neon yellow. They were not my normal style and it was like wearing them turned me into someone different than I was. Someone who had friends, someone who was good at sports, or school or art or something. The sneakers had all the magic. At least while we were in Florida.
When I got back to school, our 4th grade classroom was in the basement, our coatroom in the back of the room by the stairs. I was late that first day back and the classroom door was locked so I had to walk through the coatroom and then across the classroom while everyone was in their seats. I was SO excited for them to see the sneakers. THE SNEAKERS.
I saw one person cover his mouth, snicker and make eyes across the room at another not-so nice- kid. Someone else shushed a whisper and all it took was about 1 minute for the eyes, the awkward smiles and the message to be sent across the room.
They were making fun of me.
Once I picked up on this, ALL I wanted to do was run out of the room, down the hallway, push the back door open and run home. My stomach hurt all day. By lunch time and recess, the kids were so snarky and not shy about saying how stupid my sneakers were. The ones that brought me so much joy just a day before.
I went home that afternoon, took them off and never wore them again.
The thing about Saylor turning 10 is that she is facing her own ebbs and flows, her own highs and lows. She is having fun with friends who then later say harsh things, make fun of her, leave her out. She asks me WHY? and I just don’t know. Part of childhood is just going through all of this, and sharing our own stories with our kids.
Being a mom of a 10 year old feels so different, in ways I can’t really describe.
As she enters this next decade, one of questions and heartbreak, maturity, hormones, love, friendship and no doubt challenges and tears. I have a deep sense of peace and harmony, we are going to be okay, I say to myself. This is what I have been practicing for.
What if we set this intention of our children, of our life stages with confidence, clarity and strength. Stepping in to lead our teens and our lives with love, instead of fear or all the “it’s going to be horrible” talk.
I’m pretty sure, like all other stages of life that there are going to be some hard days and I’m just as sure there are going to be some magical awe inspiring moments, right alongside. B/c that’s how life is. Beautiful and messy. Full of light and dark. Magical and mysterious. Full of grit and grace.
I was made for this. I can help and handle, I can hold and soothe.
I AM the soft place to land that I set out to be a few years ago.
I used this quote in my book as I began shedding the layers of crazy busy and doing all the things.. “Sensitivity is a sign of life. Better hurt than hardened. I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability.”
I know there will be triggers. I know we are stepping into a new realm, but here’s the thing. We are side by side, hand in hand. Eventually, these hands will drift and she’ll have to stand on her own.
I know I have committed to healing my wounds so that I can see her clearly, fully and without infusing the shadow of my own childhood.
I step into the responsibility as a parent to take FULL responsibility for my life, in honor of showing up for hers.
My Dear Saylor, happy 10th birthday, my 10th anniversary of being your mama.
When you were inside my belly, I felt your light as a gift from the Divine and you remain one of the best humans I know. You came to me, you found me to teach me love. To teach me surrender, to teach me presence. Before I had you, I was all consumed with proving and striving and then you came in and just led me home to myself.
My true nature..
Mothering you is a gift to my life, every day.
Whatever this future holds, I know that I have DONE love with you.
I have given you tools to help with healing and wholeness.
Somewhere in you is access to the deepest truth, you are love, you are loved and you have love.
Receive it in all ways, my darling.
And to all our of children, may you be held in this same light- to know it and feel it and live it and breathe when things are flowing but more importantly.. when things are hard, when things feel heavy, when you are scared.
Find your way home, that’s the gift you have given to me.