10 years.

4 days before Saylor was born, I sat down and wrote down my energetic and tangible goals.

This month, I spent time looking in my notebooks and binders and goals that I was setting. I found this gem and just SMILED.

I DID IT.

Have you been keeping track over the years of your dreams, desires and wishes? If so, share with me! what changed? What came to life? Came to be?

The Big 10

When I was 10, we went to Florida for a vacation and I bought the COOLEST pair of sneakers. I loved them. They were high tops that were black and neon yellow. They were not my normal style and it was like wearing them turned me into someone different than I was. Someone who had friends, someone who was good at sports, or school or art or something. The sneakers had all the magic. At least while we were in Florida.

When I got back to school, our 4th grade classroom was in the basement, our coatroom in the back of the room by the stairs. I was late that first day back and the classroom door was locked so I had to walk through the coatroom and then across the classroom while everyone was in their seats. I was SO excited for them to see the sneakers. THE SNEAKERS.

I saw one person cover his mouth, snicker and make eyes across the room at another not-so nice- kid. Someone else shushed a whisper and all it took was about 1 minute for the eyes, the awkward smiles and the message to be sent across the room.

They were making fun of me.

Once I picked up on this, ALL I wanted to do was run out of the room, down the hallway, push the back door open and run home. My stomach hurt all day. By lunch time and recess, the kids were so snarky and not shy about saying how stupid my sneakers were. The ones that brought me so much joy just a day before.

I went home that afternoon, took them off and never wore them again.

The thing about Saylor turning 10 is that she is facing her own ebbs and flows, her own highs and lows. She is having fun with friends who then later say harsh things, make fun of her, leave her out. She asks me WHY? and I just don’t know. Part of childhood is just going through all of this, and sharing our own stories with our kids.

Being a mom of a 10 year old feels so different, in ways I can’t really describe.

As she enters this next decade, one of questions and heartbreak, maturity, hormones, love, friendship and no doubt challenges and tears. I have a deep sense of peace and harmony, we are going to be okay, I say to myself. This is what I have been practicing for.

What if we set this intention of our children, of our life stages with confidence, clarity and strength. Stepping in to lead our teens and our lives with love, instead of fear or all the “it’s going to be horrible” talk.

I’m pretty sure, like all other stages of life that there are going to be some hard days and I’m just as sure there are going to be some magical awe inspiring moments, right alongside. B/c that’s how life is. Beautiful and messy.  Full of light and dark. Magical and mysterious. Full of grit and grace.

I was made for this. I can help and handle, I can hold and soothe.

I AM the soft place to land that I set out to be a few years ago.

I used this quote in my book as I began shedding the layers of crazy busy and doing all the things.. “Sensitivity is a sign of life. Better hurt than hardened. I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability.” 

Jeff Brown

I know there will be triggers. I know we are stepping into a new realm, but here’s the thing. We are side by side, hand in hand. Eventually, these hands will drift and she’ll have to stand on her own.

I know I have committed to healing my wounds so that I can see her clearly, fully and without  infusing the shadow of my own childhood.

I step into the responsibility as a parent to take FULL responsibility for my life, in honor of showing up for hers.

My Dear Saylor, happy 10th birthday, my 10th anniversary of being your mama.

When you were inside my belly, I felt your light as a gift from the Divine and you remain one of the best humans I know. You came to me, you found me to teach me love. To teach me surrender, to teach me presence. Before I had you, I was all consumed with proving and striving and then you came in and just led me home to myself.

My true nature..

Mothering you is a gift to my life, every day.

Whatever this future holds, I know that I have DONE love with you.

I have given you tools to help with healing and wholeness.

Somewhere in you is access to the deepest truth, you are love, you are loved and you have love.

Receive it in all ways, my darling.

And to all our of children, may you be held in this same light- to know it and feel it and live it and breathe when things are flowing but more importantly.. when things are hard, when things feel heavy, when you are scared.

Find your way home, that’s the gift you have given to me.

 

What if…

Thought you guys would want to see the letter I recently wrote to a newish teacher of mine. I’ve been studying Law Of Attraction more, journaling about the realm of possibility, contemplating how our minds and societal norms keep us SO CONFUSED AND UNHAPPY and ANXIOUS.
I’m approaching life  (well, I have been for years but I’m coming out of the closet on my practices!)  with new ways of being.. so far, it’s really fun, magical, mysterious and potent.
There is down side is though, I can see even more clearly how closed minded, limited, scared, fearful, bored and unhappy so many are.. all around me I’m hearing the closing down of possibilities, the ” one way to live and be successful” mode of thinking, control and anxiety that is so very prevalent.
To be honest, it’s only inspiring me more to put myself out there, to teach, to share and to help us lighten up a bit…
Anyway, here goes!
Dear XXX,
I live in Washington, DC and I notice/ know that I’m often living in my own world here- b/c so many are attached to ego, the job, political ideals, blah blah- I have ALWAYS been different here- more into yoga and soul than politics and money but.. now, I’m going deeper. And I have just been doing this all b/c it FEELS GOOD. Not really to grow my biz, or heal anything – I have such a wonderful life.. and I celebrate it everyday.
Here’s why I am writing.
My daughter is about to turn 10 and EVERYWHERE people are projecting the negativity of raising a teen on me!
It’s so funny/ weird- this morning as I was walking in nature, listening to music and just floating- I was like “ YES! YES! I’m going to use all of this stuff I’m learning to create the REALITY I want while raising a teenage girl in this society” I felt the ZAP and the chills- b/c I’m SO EXCITED to do it differently. WOWOW-
People are projecting all this “ it’s going to be horrible, enjoy her now” on me and I’m just VIBRATING SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT….. What if it’s NOT SO AWFUL?
After I had this lightbulb moment on my walk, and the trigger / awakening of the negative comments on FB about her being a teen/tween- I got home and got really close to her and joked around and laughed and just was WITH HER having fun.
I’m can feel the connection, the JOY and the FLOW WITH HER- we just got back from a totally IN FLOW trip to NYC where people were commenting  about the “bad” weather and “long” lines we would have and we just had a BLAST – napping when it rained and flowing into all the places we wanted to go to with no lines, no stress, I just watched us have the most magical time…
Anyway, I thought that you would be interested in hearing this – b/c I don’t always here people chatting about this on the coaching/ podcast and I just think WOW- this is powerful in terms of our relationships with our children/ teens.  AND I’m ALWAYS someone who wants to be of service and heal and help, and this feels like the MOST DIRECT, PURPOSEFUL and IMPACTFUL way- by showing up fully and completely for my kids.. what if raising teenagers was FUN and not HORRIBLE???
Hmmmmm… so curious… to be continued…..XOXOXO, P.
————————————
I’m not saying raising a teen will or  won’t be magical, good or bad or hard or easy.
I’m saying that ALL seasons of life have ebbs and flows.
Some seasons are softer than others and some are bitter cold.
But, I trust myself and the Universal Intelligence to be awake to it all. And to continue to find my own alignment, no matter what arises.
 I know that as I have shifted how I see the world in my marriage, my income, my self, my work and how I have allowed things to FLOW TO ME, I am in awe of how I am writing my story, breaking out of shoulds or coulds or woulds and just asking, believing and receiving.  I’ll keep you all updated on this b/c man.. I’m so curious to see how this will unfold.
Relaxing into WHAT IS rather than telling myself a story about how it WILL BE…

Exhale

Saylor and I were wandering around NYC and I remembered there was a store I used to love to go to before kids. A store that Mel & I would spend hours walking around…

When we got to ABC Home and walked upstairs, I forgot about the exhibit I had been wanting to see for years!!!

I am smiling writing this bc the way the whole thing just flowed was magical…

It felt so good to be in this amazing exhibit.

No where to go or be, we got to just totally relax and go slow, letting go of the rush and the plan….What a gift.

I took these for you guys- maybe to journal about this week, to contemplate in your meditation. Enjoy.