“Saylor, I know you don’t want to join band b/c I keep asking you and you say no.”
“Right mom, I DON’T!”
Okay. I pause. I can feel my belly is tight and I’m sad. I LOVED band.
“Say, I just want you to know that I am not expecting you to join. It’s totally okay for you to say no. AND I want you to know that I loved band so much. I loved performing. I loved the music we made together. Band was one of the best things about childhood for me. We practiced a lot and I took lessons and it was such a big part of my life!”
She grabs my cheeks. She comes in real close.
” Mom, I know we look alike. I know people say we are so much alike.
BUT, I am my own person. I won’t do the things you did. We are different.”
Yes, my dear child, we are.
Yes, you brave and beautiful and wonderful teacher of all things life- WE ARE.
You see, I grew up in a quiet, mostly empty home with a mama who worked a lot..NO blame or judgment, just how it was.
A single parent home where it was quiet and “boring”. No siblings.
I relied on my friends to be my family.
So I joined stuff. I joined and I joined.
Band became a home for me.
So did choir.
So did service club.
So did basically anything I could find…
But Saylor, you have a loud and full home. You have a brother and a dog and a hamster.
I’m here. I’m mostly here. And dad is too. Your childhood and mine are so different.
Thanks for the reminder, my sweet teacher.. guiding me to all these unknown places and memories, stories and triggers that invite a pause, that ask me to reflect to expand to see beyond my experience.
What joy! to be healthy and strong and brave enough to take this dive with you…