Meltdown.

 

When the anger and tears erupt in rage, I won’t let it take our sweetest moments away. Let’s be clear that summer and life are not all beaches and beauty- ice  cream and sunsets.

When things are smooth and peaceful and loving-I won’t let the explosions from this morning belittle or undervalue this incredible summer of travel, family, explorations, laughter and beauty. But they exist only together.  The real. life. struggle. that is part of being human.

This morning I came to realize that the moments of tension and tightness are full of love too.  Seeing it all play out in a daze of exhaustion and expectations. Our life unfolds in ways that we ALWAYS want to know HOW HOW HOW and WHY WHY WHY.

But we can’t. When love shows up through big, full, explosive emotions in little and big people, it hurts. The tears come. The sadness and loneliness of being human. The daily unknown of what parenting looks and feels like on the inside or what I SHOULD do. When it’s hot inside, it’s hard to hear the intuitive calls. It’s hard to feel what is the “right” way.

I look to nature and movement to soothe my soul. I practice gentle compassion on my own thoughts, KNOWING in all my body- I have done the best I can, with what I have, at this moment.  Having the hardest morning that I can remember in a long time, does not lessen my love for you- in fact it deepens it. We get through hard things.

We have super tough mornings. Built and raised up on expectations for what SHOULD happen today.

Get up- go to camp- mom goes for a hike – then works- then has lunch – works some more- then picks up kids- then family goes to get ice cream- then swim club- then family dinner – then bedtime RIGHT ON TIME. AGH.

But this.

Early Rise- scream- tantrum- yell- tired- tired-tired- breakfast- relax- shoes ON! – NO CAMP TODAY- PLEASE mom. NO. NO. NO. from one- and then the other.

“But you LOVE it” I can feel myself start to rise. “You only have 2 days left, please. Get in the car.”

“No!” he shouts and screams, eyes pouring tears. BIG TIRED EYES. I see them but I don’t want to. His nose gets wet. He snuggles down on to me. “No! mama! NO!”

I feel anger rise. I  AM TIRED. I need this day to myself. Countless nights of up and down sleep in a twin bed – recent nightmares from Saylor and midnight snuggles for Milo are starting to take their toll on me, on my limit, on my patience. “Buddy, you are going to camp.”

I put him down on the ground and walk towards the car. I pack my water bottles for my hike, I put the camp bags in the car. He slowly creeps over and climbs in. He is quiet and yet his little body communicates so much. I put my hand over my ears, I feel like yelling back “I’m not listening!”

He walks into his camp. His head is heavy- so is my heart. I know I can’t keep him home with me today- he will do better at camp ( I tell myself), I’ll pick him up early- and at least he will have had some play time.  SEND HIM TO CAMP ALL DAY- he can take it. OR  PUT HIM BACK IN BED AND GIVE HIM A DAY OFF FROM LIFE. Don’t we all need that once in a while?  no right answer. just a choice. a thoughtful choice about what is best for HIM AND for ME. ” See you later buddy. I love you.”

And then- Saylor and I  walk together towards the bus. She asks me to stay until it arrives, then until it leaves. And then with no warning. TEARS, strong hold around my waist. “NO! NO! NO! NO!” she says. She starts crying, then squeezing. This one BIGGER AND LOUDER than her brother. This one hot and sweaty and wet…. in front of everyone. kids, parents, counselors.

My teary eyes are covered by sunglasses. ” please, please, please saylor- no.” I think to myself. “I just need you to get on the bus.” I say to her over and over- ” please get on the bus.” she becomes more hysterical. holding up the buses now- it’s all getting red. heated. intensity escalates.  the staff says,” why don’t you drive her to camp. she can sleep in the car and be rested and join her group as soon as she arrives.”

perfect. plan in place. I like a plan. I don’t like standing in public with screaming 8.5 year old child. hello discomfort. anxiety and fear. I’m feeling it all. My sensitive intuitive body- needs to process this all. I put her in the car- she falls asleep and I drive the 20 minutes to camp- only to have an even more intense, fiery, meltdown and tantrum at camp with the awesome staff that is trying to help her. Now she’s yelling about stomach aches, and sore throats and growing pains in her legs. We stand there together. The staff, the screaming child, and me. Covering my quiet tears and crying feeling overwhelmed with the question.. “what is right for this child?” does she need a day in bed. does she need to learn to push through the exhaustion and am I supposed to be teaching her a lesson? Will I be sending her the wrong messages if I take her home and put her in bed. is that helpful for the REAL WORLD?

This child, who spends 99.9% of her time being awesome to everyone. Taking care of everyone. Being the rock for her brother, her friends. Quite frankly, ME. This girl is SOLID.  And here she is . a screaming, slobbering, wet, hot, sweaty mess. Arms SQUEEZING me to not leave her. She won’t let me go. My mind is a wash of ideas. leave or stay. rip her arms off me- send her back. screaming like a toddler. “NO MAMA NO!” or take her with me. back to the house, to sleep to get the rest she so clearly deserves.

And I stand there and wonder- WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR US TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM? Why am I always trying to make everything a lesson-a teachable moment. I wipe my own tears and tell the counselors and Saylor ” You WILL be at camp tomorrow. You can come back home with me now and get right into bed. You will NOT watch tv or eats sweets or spend time with me. You will spend the day in bed if you are so sick and tired.”

I say strongly to her. I thank the camp staff and I start to walk away. The girl behind me.

Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself. Sometimes I am so scared of doing the wrong thing or wasting money or time that I just get cold and shut down.

When we get home, she gets out of her camp bathing suit and into her pjs. I gather her things for the day- and tell her I will be in the other room if she needs me.

My heart is beating fast, the 20 minute car ride home gave me a minute to calm down but now we are face to face. I know what I need to do.

“Saylor, you know I love you very much, right”

” yes, mom.”

” I can be very, very angry and still love you.”

“okay.”

“And you too.you can get very mad at me and still love me. do you understand that?” I ask her- still trying to find meaning in a meaningless situation.

I notice I have shifted from blaming my tried, hot, cranky kids to doing what moms do best- blaming myself. ” I should never have ….. I should have…. Why did I …”  starts to wander in. And before I EVEN let her in the door- I put on my sneakers. and walk. just around the house, around the block. I know I need to move and process this morning BEFORE I start to go on a mental binge of critical polluting thoughts.

Once my walk ends. I feel into my whole body. my wholeness. okay.

was there something I learned from this? is there something that I should consider?

I journaled a few thoughts. I drank a huge glass of water.

And then I went upstairs, found her sleeping and tucked her in.

 

Mid Summer Update

Hi lil ommies,

Well, it’s been quite a summer.

We left DC the day the kiddos got out of school and made our way up to CT to spend a bit of time with my family before we headed over to Nantucket to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary with some of our wedding party. When we come back in August we will have been gone 7.5 weeks!

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We felt so lucky to have folks come back to the Island and celebrate with us. Nantucket is a very special to me because my grandparents had a house there when I was little and I spent many childhood days alone walking the trails, going to the beach, and riding bikes mostly by myself.  I love sharing the beauty of the island with people I love, and this year was extra awesome because Saylor organized and led our renewal ceremony on the beach.  It was definitely a night we won’t forget!

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In early July we relocated to Hartford, CT where my grandmother lives.  This is the same house that has been in our family for 96 years!  Talk about memories!  The kids have been in various camps, having so many interesting New England adventures. We went to Maine last weekend and now we are preparing for a quick weekend visit to Vermont to see our dear friend (and former LO teacher, Kate)!   It’s truly been a wonderful, interesting summer.

One thing I LOVE about social media is seeing all my friends and family on their travels, with the growing kids and the big smiles and the ice creamy faces. BUT I also know that some of that can cause us to feel a bit “less than” or F.O.M.O (fear of missing out) or negative sad feelings around social media. Listen, get real with yourself and if you DON’T feel good when you are scrolling – GET OFF THE PHONE or COMPUTER- and do something that DOES  make you feel good!  Put the technology down and take 5 deep breaths. Go for a walk, pet your dog or cat, HUG a real HUMAN! Reach out on the phone to someone you love.  I have been calling people this summer to catch up on the phone, just like old times!  It’s been a wonderful way to connect to the people in my life.

I also have had some really nice work time when my kids are at camp. While I am not working TOO much right now (mostly taking long  walks and reading),  I have enjoyed studying and learning more about doTerra essential oils and using them this summer as much as possible, selling them to students, and introducing the benefits of aromatherapy to people. I’ve even had time to map our my fall schedule and offerings!

I REALLY miss seeing everyone in person, but I’m excited about the Fall!  I’ll be teaching a monthly Family Yoga class at Washington Yoga Center (registration will be available through washingtonyogacenter.com), two Yoga for Women sessions at IMCW, various Retreats, workshops, my 8- week THRIVE online course, private coaching, and NEW holistic healing offerings such as reiki and AromaTouch massage! Our website is regularly updated, so you can learn more there and sign up for our newsletter if you haven’t already!

I have also been reading books that people have suggested to me, mostly subjects around healthy finances, parenting, and writing as well as FINALLY getting into some fiction, which to me is EXACTLY what summer is all about. What are YOU reading this summer? Anything awesome?

Listen, as much as I have found love and joy in these gorgeous summer days, the weight of the world is also creating unrest, there is a deep unsettled, low level anxiety that lies right under the surface. As a yogi, as a compassionate human being, as a woman, as a mama, as me, I deeply care about our future as a country and as a people. And where it gets a bit sticky and challenging is that in spiritual practice when things get complicated we try to simplify. We don’t put out the anger and darkness and fear with anger or violence. We have to keep loving, we have to keep peaceful, we have to listen and hold one another. We have to communicate, donate our time or money to the causes that are near and dear to our heart. I know I have been reaching out to others as a way to help support connection, offering my time and resources to an idea one of our students has that will greatly support families, as well as thinking about the way I personally can impact change in our area!  More on that coming soon!

Below are a few things (links to articles, videos, etc) I have read and listened to over the past few weeks to help me– I hope they help you. I know it’s not changing the world or ending racism or bigotry or going to put an end to gun violence.  Ya know what? It’s not going to guarantee anything because in this world NOTHING is promised to us. NOTHING is permanent. Waking up to the truth of the pain of the world, while serving our families and our communities and  living in love as a choice, every day is powerful. Pay attention to your own suffering and anger  and do what you can to heal yourself. It starts with us!  Then we model for our children, our neighbors, and we stand together in our awareness, even when it’s painful.

 

 

Why I’m a Racist article

Thoughts from dear Katrina. 

“My hope, for all of us, is that we will not shy away from the hard conversations. May we continue to have them with our loved ones and our friends, on our Facebook pages and in public spaces and, especially, with people who see the world through different eyes. May we choose in each of these encounters and communications to heal rather than humiliate, to honor rather than to hurt. May we listen well and respect each other. May we resist the urge to dehumanize others. May we practice the art of empathy, which is to say, may we put ourselves in the shoes of another and willingly walk their mile. May we be living examples of kindness. May we act in accordance with our deepest human values: love, compassion, integrity, fairness, and hope for a better future. May we read more deeply and think more expansively. May we continue to educate and stretch ourselves. May we not retreat from complexity, but embrace it. May we be practical rather than partisan, thoughtful rather than reactive, generous of heart toward all rather than protective of a few. May we seek and find common ground here, in our America.”– Katrina Kennison

I often listen to music and just sit. I journal. I breathe when life feels too big, too heavy, too dark.

I went back to this recently and watched this. 

I don’t have any answers. I don’t know the way or the path of healing the world. As my personal mission- I just share with others perspectives, stories, insights that may be helpful to some. Meanwhile, doing everything I can in my tiny tiny world to be strong and brave and show up every day for myself and my family and our community. I take my life very seriously. I take each day with love and gratitude because I know this time is precious. I know living in love is the right choice for me and that means gathering people, creating, sharing and being a student.

I love you and thank you for being part of my life.

Here is sweet Milo, who turned 5 this summer, sleeping on me. Every night I put him back in his bed, and every night he creeps back in with me.  And a picture of the flowers at our local park which I just love. I document all of this daily here.

PS

I LOVE connecting with people, so email me pleasance@lilomm.com or join our lil omm life facebook group to keep the conversation going and to share with me things that help you during tough times, to connect over ways our community might be able to help, or just introduce yourself.

 

PPS

Join me here!

PAUSE. -Winter is dead.”

home, healed. 

Being home with the lights turned on.

Seeing it all with wonder.

“When I was little”… pours out of my mouth. The sensations of childhood & teen years… explorations floating through my body… echoes of slammed doors, laughter from a whole family, but this time in love.

A place where once… mostly pain lived. Mostly suffering and confusion, explosive emotions. A life not worth living.

In wholeness. The full circle of life.

The rhythm. the season.

It is the same. My view is different. Instead of being dragged around by others beliefs, expectations, thoughts or needs. I am free.

I hear the drums and feel the dance.

I see the beauty everywhere. I curl up with the trees and the green comforts me, nourishes me. It was there all the time.

Now I see. Now I see.

As we get older and that wisdom comes forward- we have the capacity to expand our awareness and our little tiny world and find truth.

In this one life, no matter what I leave or give or do.. I know I saw. I know I believed. I felt. I loved. I lived. I healed.

And I am human. I had a loss  this past year that is still painful and confusing.

I watch my grandmother approaching the evening of her life with mostly grace and strength. We talk about what happens when.

I never want to live a day without her.

I cherish this breaking dawn, this day where I can write and hug her, talk about the weather and what we are having for dinner.

A life of the regular same old, same old.

Just for this moment.

To be home, healed.

Here is a picture of my middle school.

 

in all the books

everytime I am working on something- I grab a composition book. old school and cheap. sometimes I decorate the front with creative visuals (depends on what I have around.. last year I painted the cover- that worked well!) and sometimes I simply put the date and idea. this past week I was intensely working in my new book. a place to hold all the ideas- the map- the plan- the dreams- and I stopped – put the pen down and had a wave of sadness and appreciation. 11 years ago the book was full of dreams and ideas for a school we wanted to build. it outlined the daily schedule, teacher recruitment plans, handbook tips, charter applications points that had to be addressed. eventually, the school opened. 

8 years ago the book was full of class ideas and times (prenatal, baby, toddler, family!)  and teacher schedules, biz permit requirements, endless tiny to dos and dreams for book clubs and author visits and family yoga training. eventually, the studio opened.

now the book has pages of questions that I want to answer for my students and commonalities for the people in my live thriving. schedules for how to include my doterra biz and my retreat schedule.  financials for biz options- coaching, teaching yoga, privates and groups… all with a pause. and a whole section dedicated to the book ideas and biz ideas for the next 10 years.

I love this bc I get to ask what feels right, NOW? AND what kind of life DO I WANT in the future. what is good enough for today and what is the larger impact I feel called to make in the world. 

my vision book is the way I have slowly and consistently worked through the big dreams and the daily tasks. 

this summer- when the energy is flowing and you are feeling so good in your body… what can you map out? what can you start to dream about? what areas of your life need a little more intention?

hint hint- some cool ideas

book of travel dreams

book of thoughts and poems and quotes

book of service project or plan

book of memories

shared book with a kiddo – where you BOTH get to include words and creations.

enJOY and let me know what you come up with. 

my new glitter tape does not like the heat!