love & loss

Last week I lost 2 loved ones who I had the privilege of knowing from the lil omm community.

Annie Lou was a  prenatal yoga student of mine, a beloved community member, a wonderfully creative and fun human being who profoundly changed the energy in our city.

Annie Lou wrote this farewell letter that was in the program at the funeral. I have been reading it every day. It’s like a prayer, a gift that she left us with. It’s for everyone. All of us. we must remember, “Please enjoy your life. enjoy each day, spread love and good cheer and happiness and share thoughts and fun with others.” okay darling, we hear you.

The messages are so INCREDIBLE. So real, so moment to moment, mindful, alive, spirited, and PLEASE, PLEASE take it to heart. Let’s all do this in honor of Annie Lou.

We also lost the darling and spirited Eli Ortiz, a 3 year beauty who danced and stretched her way into our hearts. We hold in our thoughts and our prayers the whole Ortiz family, especially Emi, Eli’s twin sister.

Here is how you can help her family and others.

I’m not sure what to do or say with this much suffering and loss. I have been mostly quiet about it- and then I knew I had to share about these 2 beauties, these 2 loves. B/c they need to be REMEMBERED to be held in your thoughts- to be prayed for and and noticed and known. Annie Lou and Eli- you were special to me. to our community. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being.

Last night there was a rainbow over Washington- a double actually, and rainbows were significant in BOTH of Annie Lou & Eli’s life. It’s not a coincidence.

I am home mostly these days, nursing my broken foot and so it’s quite a miracle that I looked up and saw the rainbow through the window. I happened to be on the floor of my bedroom, stretching and playing with my kids- when the rainbow appeared.

we held our breaths, we saw the colors, we wanted to chase it and follow the magic.

My own heart wept for the families. For the love, for these beautiful rays of light that came into our lives and changed us forever.

Death teaches me to love life more. Reminds me of this fleeting moment, breath, time here. Death brings the most intense pain and sadness and the deepest appreciation for the sun rising, the laughter in the living room, and the sensations of a hot bath on my achy body. Grief rises and falls in my body and in my heart these days, embracing the totality of all of our human-ness.

“The world and life is so beautiful and interesting and vibrant. Love it.” – Annie Lou

IMG_2091

 

Finding My Way- Journey

So, it’s super scary to send a ton of emails with your draft ebook attached.

And then to wait.

It’s Saturday afternoon, the kids are out. My house is quiet.

In the long cold days of winter, I wrote this ebook about my adventures in transformation. About my super unhealthy habits and ways and how I’m always questioning them and asking myself the meaning and purpose of life. And how I’m always finding my way back home and I’m blown away by all the healing that has happened.

I know it’s a bit intense. I know I’m not for everyone. I know I’m more woo-woo than ever, BUT I still drink beer, eat pizza, and love to be naughty once in a while.

I’m finding my way. As I  navigate a new world- stepping out behind the classroom, the school, the studio to see what I STAND FOR. What do I believe?  Is this message important? Does it just contribute to the NOISE in the world?  I often feel like I am saying the SAME as so many others, that my voice is not original.. not ME enough. I’m exploring the ways in which I get lazy with thoughts- just replicating that psycho-spiritual babble that can so easily annoy people…  Can you be into spirituality AND into intellect AND into just living a normal, simple, great life?

Big HUGE questions. Do I …. pursue a life on my own terms. coaching, writing, teaching to make a living TRUSTING that I  can help people. that my experiences will translate to clients, INSPIRE AND MOTIVATE them to live great lives- because if  I can make the changes and redirect the trajectory of my life, ANYONE can. Really.

Why have people come to me, my whole life with questions?  Why do people lean on me for advice and hugs and strength when they need it? Creative thinking, taking action, making changes comes SO EASILY to me. It’s just who I am. I have ALWAYS been a leader, even when I was leading people to underage drink, sneak out or smoke cigarettes at basketball camp. I mean, honestly- I could have easily gone in a whole other direction and used my influence in very destructive ways.

The thread of my whole adult LIFE has been healing, helping and supporting others. I have been on a mission to live a good life EVEN when the cards were not stacked up that way. It’s like once I decided I was NOT going to destroy my life, I started doing EVERYTHING possible to have an incredible experience here on earth. Building things, saying yes, moving forward, moving backward, crying, loving, trying, asking, finding great people to surround myself with, facing truth, being alone, reading everything, reaching out, taking action, feeling scared, leaving things when it was time.. Whoa. I’m only 37 and I feel like I have had 4 lifetimes already.

I love it.

I’m finding my voice, finding my way.  This new world on my own, just writing and thinking more about what I want for our world. Do I have what it takes to move this forward? There are a number of things I need to “get over” to make it happen. to hold fear’s hand and say “WE GOT THIS”

Here’s what I know.

We NEED people on our side. We need creative support & ideas to inspire our healthy habits and practices. We need coaches and yoga teachers WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH TRANSFORMATIONS. We need real people writing and speaking and laughing with us.

People who show feelings, acknowledge the joys and sorrows and who study. Who learn. Who know they don’t know it all! I want to always be in learning mode.. and I want to always share what I am learning. AS it grows and deepens and expands.

I don’t like to spend time thinking about the past, or how far I have come not b/c it’s  too painful but just because I spent SO MUCH OF MY life in victim mode- and now that I am FREE of that- I see so much JOY in today! in this moment! and I want to savor it.

Writing the e book  took me back. Reminded me of what was. I hope that those of you who read this will help me move forward. help me by sharing with others who might feel lost- letting them know, hey- I know someone who might be able to help you.

I am focusing my energy on HELPING people get to the REAL HEART of what’s going on with them- the real PRACTICES and routines that can heal them.. and this takes time.

Building trust and relationships, showing up for one another, taking RESPONSIBILITY for your life. Whoa. that to me is HUGE! when I did that- everything changed. EVERYTHING.

I’m breathing deeply here.. putting myself out in the world. Standing tall and strong and brave in SERVICE to my community, to the BEINGS who need help people who think   ”  I don’t know where to start. I want more from my life! I want more energy and passion and love. I want to feel good in my body and in my mind. there has to be more! ”

I don’t have a cute tagline, or a one size fits all way to do things. I don’t have a perfect book or a perfect program. I’m just opening up to you all- that I’m going to try to do it my way. Which is transparent and authentic to real to what my experience is.

My yoga teacher always says, “I’m sharing with you what I know now. And it might change. In fact, it probably WILL change.” But isn’t that amazing! We can teach what we know RIGHT NOW and what’s truth for us- Allowing it also TO CHANGE. And letting that be okay too.

You guys are just seeing the “behind the scenes”  of creation. Of Biz Building. Of what messy, creative, multi passionate entrepreneur life is all about.

When I started writing this, it was cloudy and overcast- and now the birds have come out and the sky is blue. In just a few minutes time, everything changed. And I am different too- When I started writing I was in my “AGH! must write and get it all out mode” and now, as I close- I’m breathing deeply. I am feeling all of you, with me. I feel supported and loved. I am CHOOSING to feel love. I am CHOOSING to feel brave and I’m going to press publish and you will be inside my head. You will be with me.

That’s what I love about writing and reading so much- the connections that come alive. You start in one place, and end in another, isn’t that magic?

Thanks for being here through this ramble.

Finding my voice today, finding my way. #allthefeels