Milo lays next to me, hugging my arm. Breath flows softly. I am catching up on emails and the last few to dos before I go offline from my regular life for 3 days and then a 4th to rest.
My book, Delight, launches tomorrow and then I spend 2 days with other authors talking about our books and our biz. I can’t wait.
I have been home for a month on my surrender sabbatical. I spent lots and lots of time learning, listening, reading, resting, thinking and being. And now, It’s like I’m being shot out of a canon back into the world.
Today my doc said that I can drive and take my boot off at night to sleep. So I am getting some of my freedom back. But, the truth is I liked being home. I liked laying low, having no plans and creating my days, my life as I wanted. THE PRACTICES WORKED to keep me calm and sane and present. There were hard days, hard moments. I went through them. I felt them. I came out. I did what I could. Cried when I needed to, worked when I had the energy, and had quite a nice time with all the silence. And spent a lot of time laughing and smiling and living.
I am thrilled to say that I think this sabbatical has given me profound insights on HOW TO MOVE FORWARD. What I want to do, take with me along the way. I have never been on my tush like that for a month. I have never taken time off like this before. I hope my schedule is never that full again. I hope I continue to do meaningful work that lights me up for the rest of my life. And I hope I’m strong enough every time the work changes ( WHICH IT WILL) to keep finding new ways of being. To keep creating. To keep going.
I learned that my beyond- amazing husband makes good coffee. That I love the light in my bedroom. That petting my dog for more than a minute is really nice. That I like to do 20 minutes of yoga RIGHT before the kids come home from school. Then I am truly welcoming and present for them when they rush in the door, tired and hungry.
I have a list of things/tools to film and write about for students based on feedback from classes and privates that they need to help them go deeper with habits in wellness and learn more about yoga & meditation that is accessible to them. I can’t wait to get it going next week .
And, suddenly, I feel like it’s the night before my wedding. Tomorrow my book comes out. And I’m sitting here missing the studio. Missing the omm and the purple wall, the twinkle lights, the oil/hippie smell, the gathering of my peeps… it was my comfort place. I am re-living all the memories and the moments and my heart aches to have it back, just one more time. But this is NOT a normal feeling for me, it’s just the one I have tonight- as I TRULY move forward. Change is hard. And I know these feelings are just coming up BC tomorrow, I step into being a published author.
It feels like the night before the wedding when you are SO EXCITED to jump into your married life BUT your reminiscing about boyfriends from the past, wondering how they are and what they are up to and if you are making the right choice.. It’s like- I KNOW I want to be an author, share these teachings and this work, help people and create wellness AND I’m scared to do it all “on my own”. I have had the teachers and staff, the classes and students for so many years- and been known as someone who supports mothers, babies, children.. so as I evolve- what’s going to happen to the programs I love? I feel like I have been holding them tight, and close b/c I’m afraid. And tonight, it’s time to let them go.
Not goodbye forever, but I don’t see myself doing it the way I have before. AND if I am TRULY going to focus and serve my students and am clear about the work I want to do, and the financial stability I need to have ( a longer post coming up about this and the work I have been doing around mindset and $) I can’t be leaking energy everywhere. I have to contain. I have to put up more boundaries than I have before. This is some serious shit for me. B/c it’s so much easier for me to run away, say YES, teach a million classes, give away my energy and my power and go into debt to serve others.. that’s really what I have practiced for my life- over doing to prove my worth and value in so many ways, over and over and over… AND as I write about in the book, Delight. THAT TIME HAS PASSED. it’s over. it’s done. That’s an old story that has to change. And the time has come. Like a nervous bride, I will show up tomorrow READY and AWAKE and PRESENT to celebrate and navigate all the changes with as much grace and compassion as I can.
“The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along. ”