On Sabbatical

3 weeks ago, I broke my foot.

I don’t know how much longer I will be here mostly at home, foot up.

At first, I resisted a bit and cried as I could not wrap my head around my life with no driving or taking care of my family.

And then I allowed, embraced and accepted.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING YOU TO SLOW DOWN.” They said.

“Okay, but I’m already slowing down. I already let go of so much the past year, how much more do I have to go through? What am I supposed to be learning here?”  I asked. No answer.

A week later, a shift happened. Oh, I get it now. More to let go of. Truly, Truly, at deeper levels than I was able to see before.

The only way to get me TO SEE, TO KNOW, TO FEEL the profound shifts that are happening and are going to happen is to plant me at home and put me to rest. REALLY rest.

this broken foot says,  YOU MUST LISTEN.

this is what I hear.

But the thing that I know about transformation is that- it’s unclear often as to the WHY, at least at this point. We often know it’s hard and we are confused, what’s next? what is happening? what about all those things I KNOW to be the way? Shoot. Maybe I was wrong.

TRUSTING in the journey, the experiences and the challenges means that the real WHY is still yet to be  come or not. that this just may be an experience to have along the way.

and it’s really just my job to rest. to let go. to un-do. Can I listen? Have no plan.

When you don’t know when you will heal, you cannot have a plan. You just wait.

I have a choice this week and the weeks ahead to step into my surrender sabbatical with curiosity and joy, with awareness and allowing RATHER THAN to do lists and knowing, knowing, knowing. IT’s hard for me, not always easy. I teach what I need, too. I share what I have learned a long the way.

Last week, door open .. I took a nap. I let the spring air come in. I relaxed into it. I felt at ease.

“We stuff every cranny of our lives with so much activity that we’ve lost touch with what’s truly essential and what’s actually irrelevant. We’re running around doing what everyone expects- chauffeuring, cleaning, volunteering- convinced thats our obligation as women” Barbara Stanney, Agh!, yes, this feels so close to home. The first week I broke my foot I listened to so many podcasts, read books and filled my brain with all the self help stuff that I could take. And it did not work. It actually made me feel WORSE, less than and sitting around here I felt lazy. So the second week I pulled back, trying on more rest, less planning and more listening to nature, and my body and not so much over stimulating my brain with other people’s thoughts, tips and advice. That worked well.

 Sacred Success  is a book I am reading that has a whole chapter about this moment I am in. Identifying lifelong patterns with value and work loads and relationships with careers and money and challenges and changes. It’s fascinating b/c she talks at length about this Surrender as a time of releasing and letting go, learning and insights as a path towards Greatness. I don’t know yet, but I’m willing to try.

Now, I’m facing my own new beginning. I’m just breathing into what needs to still go from my life. just be where I can this moment and how to clarify what my mission is, what my vision is for my own life and how I can help people along the way.  The thing is , I am a VERY high functioning, capable person who is used to doing WAY  more than the average person and as I talk about in the book, Delight- I get to the heart of that matter. And now that I have, I feel a bit unsure. unsettled. unsteady. I am scared of the call. It feels like a lot, and I have to remain very vulnerable to write and live and work from my heart. Putting myself out there, it can be rather scary. And then, on top of it to have all this time.. YIKES- could be a disastrous combo for personal narrative to appear and tell me some negative nonsense.

There is some clarity , some slow steady work going on all while teaching from home and leading my SpringTHRIVE class and just feeling deeply this need for a new way of being for me. Not doing a million things but doing a few, well. it’s starting to seep in- even though I don’t know what that looks or feels like yet. I have 70 blog drafts I’m not ready to publish and notebook after notebook of ideas. That I’m just letting it all be. I’m marinating, relaxing and see what appears. I don’t have a problem with action- I have more discomfort in NON action.. so this is my practice!

Here is what I have learned the past few weeks though. Of all the people who I have  surrounded myself with who are successful and have made massive changes in their lives, they all came to this point. They all had to stop and clear space. They took time away to examine thought patterns and to question the work they are doing in the world. And moved forward from a place of, I know and I’m willing to try.

Can I teach, serve, inspire, express myself in a truthful way, try new things, create, lead and love my family all from a place of abundance and fulfillment?  I feel scared and vulnerable, opening up  like this- to tell what I am facing with how to move forward BUT I know that I don’t do well hiding things not being open about what I’m going through. And I hope it helps people see all the roads are winding! There is no clear path or one way. And in the end, we can’t control what bumps appear anyway..

I read this and cried.

And listened to this wisdom.

This is for all of us.

May I be happy. May I be at ease.

May I be clear with my values and my worth.

May I learn from my past and may I move forward with love into my unknown future.

  • I am fascinated by a whole bunch of content that came my way AGAIN over the past few weeks on ego and soul and how it appears in our life & work …and I find interestingly these relationships also has a bit of masculine and feminine qualities as well.. and I have been thinking a lot about how this plays out in our lives…. if you are interested in this- just let me know pleasance@lilomm.com- I’m going to record a talk or a video about it and hopefully facilitate a conversation around this, would love to have you join me. thank you so much!
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