I looked back at some old journals recently, looking page by page at how my life was.
As much as I remember from those days, I really forgot about her.
The person I was.
So entangled in pain and suffering. So bitter and resentful, blaming everyone for everything. Page after page of shame, fear and anger towards her own self & others.
Never the right weight, always doing too much of something, list after list of things I need to improve on, things I need to get better at, page after page of wanting things in my relationships to be different and blaming everyone else for how they are.
This young girl, so lost, so lonely, searching and not living in love.
I wrote this for her.
This is a wild and confusing world sending mixed signals of how we should BE.
everything to everyone, yet purposeful in our own simple life. Meeting all the needs.
We stand in the truth that with time and reflection and energy towards health, we can change. We can become the person we dream. It’s hard work to stay the course, to not get lost along the way. But I see so clearly how one can shift from living in thoughts and fears and appear to have what looks like a good life, but inside be torn up, be lost and scattered and not well. To never step back and SEE. To be living in your head, not your heart.
And mostly, no one ever know this. it’s all in your head. no one knows what you tell yourself at night or at work, in the car or on the playground. Dear, dear one. LET it be kind.
Learn to trust that the weight or the job or the person is not what is holding us back. we are. we do this to ourselves. we close off and box up our thoughts as if we were the only ones. we ruminate in the self. falling into a dark hole until (hopefully) we finally claw our way out.
But to get out, it’s hard. the dust and the dirt fall out from under you.
you see the light , you think you are close and then you loose your grip, and fall back down. But this time, the climb back up is shorter, not as hard. You have been here before. You build confidence and resilience. I can do this. You start to say. I am strong.
And you learn to trust. My yoga teacher says yoga is really about 3 things. Learning to relax, learning to love and learning self-trust.
You start to see. You are outside the hole. Standing on the ground, on your own 2 feet.
You are free, looking around seeing the world, your life.
And eventually with time, it can all change. The thoughts become less invasive, less harmful. We start to see the beauty in the ordinary lives we live, we hear and share stories.
I am not alone.
We go from feeling that we are lost and lonely, to whole and loved.
To knowing this breathing, wonderful, extraordinary day might be all we have.
I know so much of my “growing” up has been life experiences and stories and challenges that our common to us all, and I know that the more I get curious about my life and those around me, the more youthful I feel. The more inquiry fills my brain rather than self doubt, self criticism and self bullying, the more WONDER fills my life. The less I know about anything, really and the more I want to play and be barefoot and run free from the all the ways things SHOULD be.
Each day, a time to explore and find meaning, to help others do the same.