Give & Recieve

“With a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world,
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depth.”

Something magical happened last week.  After years and years of complications, misunderstandings, hurt feelings and pain.. we have come to a place of relationship. Let me explain…

A few years ago, I had “forgiven” my mother. Enough to have a weekly call with lots of boundaries. Same time, same day each week. We would check in on the weather, the kids  and then hang up. On the outside it appeared that we had a relationship. As this became our norm, she began to open up a bit more. I would respond always at least an arms distance away. I was terrified of being hurt, of the past repeating, of opening my heart. So, I kept her at a very comfortable distance. That worked well for me, for a long time. I lived in neutral about it all. I did not ACTUALLY trust her with any of my thoughts, plans or life.

Until, in this past year we have had 2 in person visits.

Our December visit was quite incredible on a number of levels which I wont get into today but let’s just say we had a real connection. We had a powerful shared experience and we were able to spend some quality time alone where my guard came down. For the first time in years, I thought to myself ” I just need to talk to my mom.”  And there she was, supporting me and helping me get through an emotionally challenging situation.

Since this experience, we have been talking more frequently with less boundaries and just developing more of a relationship that we have been able to have, than I was able to have.

And then, last week- on one of our talks, I told her something I was working on for a project and told her a problem I was facing, a challenge I was contemplating and you know what? She gave me AWESOME advice. And then, my heart filled. THIS. IS. A. RELATIONSHIP.

The thing I had been pushing away, had not been ready for. After all the work we BOTH have done, we were able to come to a place where there was exchange, there was give and take. I am so proud of us both.

In order to be in a healthy, meaningful relationship there needs to be an energy exchange.

Over the past few months, I have learned the value of giving and receiving.

May this teaching penetrate all areas of my life.

(Especially  in ways I have yet to explore…and I wish this the same for you!)

Are there relationships in your life that you need to put some energy into or take some out of?

I KNOW this is a tough question- but email me if you want to share your story. info@lilomm.com

love to hear from you.

“Forgiveness does not gloss over what has happened in a superficial way. The practice is not about planting a smile on our face and saying, “It’s okay. I don’t mind.” It’s not a misguided effort to suppress our pain or to ignore it. If you’ve suffered a great injustice, coming to forgiveness may include a long process of grief and outrage and sadness and loss and pain. Forgiveness is a deep process, which is repeated over and over and over again in our hearts. It honors the grief and it honors the betrayal. And in its own time, it ripens into the freedom to truly forgive. And if we look honestly at our own lives, we can see the sorrows and pain that have led to our own wrongdoing. We’re not just victims; sometimes we also need to be forgiven. And in this way we can finally extend forgiveness to ourselves and hold the pain that we have caused in the heart of compassion. ”

This article was incredibly helpful to me.

 

 

 

On Being 8

The year I was 8,  my mom packed us up in the middle of the night and we left our life.

This decision changed the direction of our lives, in ways I don’t even think she knew or understood.

Leaving our home, her husband and our family in Illinois and moving to New England to be closer to my dad and paternal grandparents became the best thing she could have done for us. But I know the night we left, she was probably terrified and uncertain but somewhere in her heart, she knew she had to make a better life for us, somewhere else.

So she did.

And so the story goes. But all of the sudden, today I realize we inch closer to my little girl being 8.  For me, there was life before and life after. So much of my childhood memories are trapped in these 2 worlds.

And for my sweet Saylor, she has entered a time of emotional heartache. A friend she adores has made other friends and my sensitive hearted girl feels a bit lost and lonely right now. This is a feeling I know too well.  Loosing my way, feeling hurt, trying to navigate relationships and friendships in this world is hard. People change, friendships change and life goes on.

I hold her hand. I get in bed and wrap my arms around her shaking little body. I tell her I know how it feels to be hurt. To love someone who does not love you back, to loose a friend. All things that are part of our human experience, if we are so lucky.

I can see the world through my 8 year old heart. I can remember the night we left, feeling confused and scared and curious and excited. The new life ahead, the old one behind and my life was full of unknowns and uncertainty. But the thing is, even today in my cozy house with my supportive husband and incredible children, I feel the same way.

In this moment, there wont be a big move or a separation or a defining moment. There’s just this life that we have, and we have no idea when it will all change. When someone will say pack your bags or come now, I need you. That it’s quiet today. There’s space to hold her tight and let the emotions have space to breathe.

2 nights ago, I had a dream that Milo walked home alone from school and we lost him. That he never came back.  I woke up sweating and heartbroken. I am not typically a worrier, this was a first for me. I gently got up and started my day.  And later last night, I held him tight and said, “Please don’t walk away from me at school or in public okay? I want you to stay close. Sometimes I get scared that you will get lost .”

He said, ” okay, mama.” let go of me and ran down the hall.

On his way out the door, he stopped turned around and said,

 “I love you.” 

Week of Wellness

Lately I have been using a number of tools to keep my movement and well being practices consistent.

I am not a big gym fan these days b/c of scheduling and options and time commitment… although I have learned to LOVE to workout- so I found this Crunch Live Site, which has a variety of workouts and times. I can always find something that meets my needs! It’s cheap too at only $10 a month.  Also, because I love dance music- I put my own dance mixes on while I play the videos, makes it way more fun.

When I want to do more of a yoga thing…. I turn to Erich Schiffmann’s website where I listen to teachings and meditate and practice Freedom Style Yoga with him.

Because my schedule changes daily I just try to pick something from my well being list daily to include and make my day to day a bit more interesting and meaningful. I also highly prioritize these items- which means I pick something off this list rather than checking email, watching news or shows.

I also like to create these big charts on Sundays or Mondays to remind myself throughout the week what I love to do that is truly in line with my deepest values and joys. When I get stressed or tired, I tend to say things like ” I never get time alone or I never get time to exercise” and these charts help remind me that I DO have time, I DO take care of myself and to not be so hard on myself! My chart options can change based on what my current goals/ aspirations are for my actual day to day life. This all depends on what projects I am working on, what my

My favorite local thing to do is go to Spinning classes at Zengo Cycle at 6am 2-3x a week. I DON’T like to go more than that b/c it makes my hips sore. As I get older I realize how much I need to diversify my movement in order for it to be sustainable. And I know I hear from many students who have various aches and pains but keep doing the same movement program…. I have to move my body in ALL KINDS OF WAYS throughout the week- and not get stuck on 1 thing, in order to feel awesome. I love the music they play at Zengo and I love to support a local studio, rather than a large chain.

Since it was so cold over the past week, I have been doing my self massage with high quality almond oil at night before bed ( instead of in the morning). It’s been SUCH a perfect way to end the day before I put my legs up the side of my bed and relax before I actually go to sleep around 9-10pm.

I also try to remind myself that I can do and get a lot from 15-20 minutes of something RATHER than the 60-90 minutes that I WISH I had..

Hope this helps inspire you to find creative, fun, unique ways to move into wellness!

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so….. what’s next?

well, just a short 4 days after handing over the keys to our studio… I can feel the question sinking in. all this week people have asked me… “SO, What’s next for you? What will you do with your time?”  and I know they are trying to be loving and supportive and they are curious!  However,  I have spent the last 18 months diving into a shedding-letting go-less is more mindset… which means, it’s  really hard for me to answer this. Because in the past, I always had a next. 

and now..

nothing. I have no BIG plans, no crazy new projects, no big pivot or shift. I will keep doing what I do. A little teaching, some writing, lots of inquiry and reading and creating… but no, nothing really new. 

I am not necessarily “doing less” day to day but I most certainly dont have the same kinds of communications coming at me. the texts, the emails, the calls have slowed down a bit. The constant need to revamp an offering, change a price, go over class numbers, meet with marketing and scheduling and the bookeeper.. it has all been toned down with our biz restructuring. 

suddenly there are hours where I am not by or on my phone and I dont have fear when I do turn it on- that SOMETHING will have happened at the studio that needs my attention. I have a thing about responsibility and integrity and answering calls and texts in a timely manner and it was getting to me. I was letting it take over. 

to have more presence in my daily life AND do work I love feels truly like  “the privilege of a lifetime.”   

   -Joseph Campbell  

I am aware that in the past my responsibilities, commitments and creations tend to be rather large and rather public and intense.  So, as I gracefully enter into the next chapter post-studio with possibility, strength and confidence… I am curious to see how it will unfold and how the dance of ambition,  motivation and energy that are strongly in my nature will appear into my new normal of early bed times,  guilt -free self care, and a desire to serve and learn and teach as my own spirtual journey continues to deepen and flourish and evolve.

“so.. what do you do all day?” someone asked me this week. 

3 days a week I teach privately for half a day and then get 1-2 hours for admin work for the lil omm classes, marketing, financials, etc

Sprinkled around the rest of the week,  I teach a babies class, a preschool class, an elementary school class and Yoga for Women.

Honestly, each day is a combination of teaching people and classes and biz development, personal development, writing and mothering. In the next few months I will finish my e-book & probably offer some health coaching privates and groups/retreats in parternship with other workshops I want to lead and create. 

I have a full plate.

2 things I am proud of…

1. saying NO to a number of opps that came in my inbox this month… just clearly stating- I am not able to commit at this time. The truth is MY PLATE IS FULL. I am the home/caregiver and my children need me now more than ever. 

2. financially, I made more this month than I did the last 2 quarters I ran the studio. I think this is really, really impt to share in order to cultivate a healthy honest financial perspective& relationship … this topic is so incredibly silent in the the yoga world and I KNOW why . I KNOW many of us would teach for free if we could but…. I bring this up – bc I am proud to contribute to our family, pay our biz bills and to start the conversation around worth, money, value, yoga and biz.

What is so interesting to me is that when I was running the studio.. it never felt like enough, and even once we reached our goals- we raised them. There were always studio or techonology or staffing upgrades to be made… BUT  there was something SO out of alignment for me about this practice of NEVER ENOUGH.  and now, that its just me, I can set a monthly target, make a work plan, achieve my own personal “enough” and get on with living my life  (not working my life) . I can live in alignment with my values, as I set and determine them, without the more!more!more whisper. 

As I continue on this journey, I am amazed at how this world keeps expanding. I want to keep living in “open awareness” to see what is possible for me, as we have no idea what is around the corner. A great teacher, Karen Maezen Miller once told me , “you dont have to be amazing.”  And so now, I sit with that. Just moving back- letting other people take over, do the job, say yes, show up, run the show. 

and enjoy my life, no matter what happens next.