Behind the camera

When I was a child, I went to 1 modeling shoot. I was very tall for my age so we thought it would be fun to go to a shoot for children.  Sadly, it was HORRIBLE!  They told me what to do, THE WHOLE TIME.  I did not like this at all. I remember being so frustrated, so unsure of what I was supposed to be being. I tried to do it the WAY they wanted- and they kept telling me to do it a different way..  Also-

I felt HUGE. Especially compared to all the little beautiful girls surrounding me. My feet were 3x bigger than everyone else, and I had a lot of hair on my arms. THINGS THAT made me feel out of place, ugly, awkward and totally uncomfy.

I cried and asked to leave. I never wanted to go back.

modeling career over, beginning of weird shame cycle in front of camera begins.

Since childhood- I have had a dark and not that healthy relationship with cameras and videos. All stemming from that experience.  I have spent a lot of time judging people who DO love to be in front of the camera, I’m not quite sure why- maybe something with ego- with NEVER wanting people to THINK that I THINK that I am pretty or physically beautifully. I have always wanted to be known for being a good person and NOT someone who is known for being vain. There has to be a middle way- these selfies and videos and photos DO NOT mean that the work I do is not helpful or in service. Part of the work I need to do is to GET OVER IT and move forward in the way of service. I still have some work to do around this- and stepping truly into my own power. LET GO of what others think- what I should be / do/ look like or say not be perfect, not always do it right- and live in GOOD ENOUGH.  I feel the barriers breaking- I notice these patterns that have been holding me back from spreading the word of the work I want to do.. it’s coming.

one of my dear friends told me to put ego aside and show up for the students. to just see them, do the work for the folks that this could help. so I did- and what a joy to just be calm and see the chaos ( we filmed  a short family class when milo jumps on saylor!) real life.

more to come,  I hope.

My intention is to bring a lil omm into your home. ♥️🙏🏽


This entry was posted in general.

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