with my heart

I told someone today.. it’s been a wild ride. So much has happened in a very short time. I explained the journey, the process, the struggle & the joy as I move through another tunnel, not totally sure of whats on the other side.

First, I hid. Then, I went manic on planning. Finally, I settled down, took some deep breaths and landed.

As I watch from this ledge,  an observer in my own life- compassionately  looking in on everything I know to be true. questioning, knowing, feeling in my body what I need and want for this life.

There are things that were solid and real and alive in 2015- that will not be coming with me.

For months I thought, It’s possible.

that I would close the studio, that I would let go of a practice that was not longer serving me, that I could look so deep inside that I would make decisions that would be painful, let go of relationships that were draining my energy, it’s possible that I could actually live a less stressful life. one full of meaning and purpose driven from kindness- not from comparisons. 

“It’s Possible!” I wanted to shout- and yell and wrote over and over again in my journal. And then, it all happened- not only was it possible but it became true and the unraveling began.  Shedding this and that-

friends and responsibilities and weight and clothes and groups and … phew the list is long.

Have you ever had something so all consuming in your life that it filled your thoughts, your days and your nights-  your weekends – your whole life to the point you did not know where it ended and you began?  now, when reading to my children- I am with them. I see them- I hear them. without the constant flow of studio stress floating in and out of my brain. a student complaint, a no show teacher, filling classes, changing pay rates… the never ending pile of to dos and never enough. 

as a biz woman, I never grew tougher or tighter or into NO.. my practices always brought me back to generosity, love and saying yes. 

and now, I step back and see why. the overcompensating, overdoing, overachieving needs to chill out. 

And here I am. a candle, a dream, a human being ALIVE with the POSSIBILITY for delight. daily. weekly. monthly. in this life.

I’m going to move into the delight of it all- my actual living, breathing, thriving, LIFE- and hold it up with precious love and attention. Honoring my own heart- and my own way. 

Finding my way home through music and art and writing and moving. Life of meaning and purpose- jumping off the shoulds and coulds and woulds that can so easily dominate our next turn. You, my dears, are not allowed to stay. 

Even in THIS city, that celebrates cerebral intelligence over soul singing, your resume over your random acts of kindness and here, in DC- where the schools you went to are more valuable than the person you ARE- I’m going for it. I’m going to continue to break myself open to the joys of the daily sacred, to see my yoga students as whole human beings, and to move towards the light…… 

 

This entry was posted in general.

2 comments on “with my heart

  1. You inspire me! Love you!

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