today I felt lonely and scared. I know so much of this is part of our common human experience.. and especially women who are working and raising kids somewhere in mid to late 30’s-40;s. I talk to women all day about these same challenges, I know this is not UNIQUE to me. I know, like many of you, I can be so hard on myself when I am NOT able to..
pay the bills, do the laundry, cook the food, grow the bness, save the world, teach the kids, mow the grass, walk the dog, start a non profit, organize a playdate, finish my to do list, workout, meditate, create, be on PTA, attend every school function, do meaningful work in the world…..
I’m scared about money. Making enough, saving, paying things off. And that sometimes I work too much and I don’t get paid a lot for the work I have have done. I give to others before my self. This is my truth, many of ours.
I am learning how to do this LESS.
Today, I am scared bc my daughter is barely on grade level and even though I was a teacher and she has an LD, I still want her to pick up a chapter book and get lost in books the way I did at her age.
I’m acutely aware ( and afraid) that my son is not potty trained and I think he actually WILL be the kiddo who goes to college in diapers.
Today, I felt lonely. I kept hoping someone would call me but Im not sure who and could not find the heart or energy to call anyone myself.
Today, I felt trapped in this privilege that I have. And that sometimes it feels totally delusional. Like I don’t deserve it and I should run away to do the hard work. WHO AM I ? to be walking outside on this gorgeous day when so many suffer in this world. I want to do more. to help more. to serve more. Or I could go back to teaching in the schools full time, or do SOMETHING meaningful with my life. I’m scared Im not doing enough to help the world.
And then I get distracted with ” can you put green lantern underwear on my head, please.” And I loose my train of thought. Work more to change the world and miss out on this guy growing up? Shit. its hard.
Then, I realize I’m scared I am saying too much on social media, sharing to much… and that I am too caught up in my own world to see truth, to see pain, to see or feel suffering. That its all becoming so ego driven. That even this blog is contributing to this self centered world we live in. Even though I have seen it as a creative outlet and it’s been so lovely to have an online canvas to experiment with my creativity. This feels so confusing to me.. the social media world which gives me so much inspiration, energy, connection- feels like yet another way in which I am spoiled.
I’m scared to grow my yoga studio. I’m scared of success and I’m scared we wont be able to sustain, that we need more. I’m scared of failure.
I want to live in *THIS IS ENOUGH*.
Tomorrow will be less intense. This is quite a normal cycle of questioning/reflection for me… it’s part of what makes this journey so interesting…. But for now, Im going to put my mask on and dance around with the littles ones until they fall into bed.