in this ordinary day

today I felt lonely and scared. I know so much of this is part of our common human experience.. and especially women who are working and raising kids somewhere in mid to late 30’s-40;s. I talk to women all day about these same challenges, I know this is not UNIQUE to me.  I know, like many of you, I can be so hard on myself when I am NOT able to..

pay the bills, do the laundry, cook the food, grow the bness, save the world, teach the kids, mow the grass, walk the dog, start a non profit, organize a playdate, finish my to do list, workout, meditate, create, be on PTA, attend every school function, do meaningful work in the world…..

I’m scared about money. Making enough, saving, paying things off.  And that sometimes I work too much and I don’t get paid a lot for the work I have have done.  I give to others before my self. This is my truth, many of ours.

I am learning how to do this LESS.

Today,  I am scared bc my daughter is barely on grade level and even though I was a teacher and she has an LD, I still want her to pick up a chapter book and get lost in books the way I did at her age.

I’m acutely aware ( and afraid) that my son is not potty trained and I think he actually WILL be the kiddo who goes to college in diapers.

Today, I felt lonely. I kept hoping someone would call me but Im not sure who and could not find the heart or energy to call anyone myself.

Today, I felt trapped in this privilege that I have. And that sometimes  it feels totally delusional.  Like I don’t deserve it and I should run away to do the hard work. WHO AM I ? to be walking outside on this gorgeous day when so many suffer in this world. I want to do more. to help more. to serve more.  Or I could go back to teaching in the schools full time, or do SOMETHING meaningful with my life. I’m scared Im not doing enough to help the world.

And then I get distracted with ” can you put green lantern underwear on my head, please.” And I loose my train of thought. Work more to change the world and miss out on this guy growing up? Shit. its hard.

Then, I realize I’m scared I am saying too much on social media, sharing to much… and that I am too caught up in my own world to see truth, to see pain, to see or feel suffering. That its all becoming so ego driven. That even this blog is contributing to this self centered world we live in. Even though I have seen it as a creative outlet and it’s been so lovely to have an online canvas to experiment with my creativity. This feels so confusing to me.. the social media world which gives me so much inspiration, energy, connection- feels like yet another way in which I am spoiled.

I’m scared to grow my yoga studio. I’m scared of success and I’m scared we wont be able to sustain, that we need more. I’m scared of failure.

I want to live in  *THIS IS ENOUGH*.

Tomorrow will be less intense. This is quite a normal cycle of questioning/reflection for me… it’s part of what makes this journey so interesting…. But for now, Im going to put my mask on and dance around with the littles ones until they fall into bed.

This entry was posted in general.

37 comments on “in this ordinary day

  1. Michelle says:

    I LOVE you. Thanks for being brave and sharing this. I could have written it myself with a few details changed. In a lot of ways I feel exactly where you are–really struggling with doing more in and for my biz/work and cutting back entirely to just be with the kids. I love my boys and I love my work but it’s damn hard doing both with balance. And when we do find balance, our silly thoughts get in the way and “enough” seems so elusive. All we can do I think is sit, and be in community and find some peace. Please know that the “something” that you are currently doing with your life is EVERYTHING.

    P.S. We have that exact same underwear!

  2. Lena says:

    Hard NOT to be overwhelmed in this world (micro or macro). Thanks for sharing – there are lot of us here with you! xo

  3. Jamie Wilson Murray says:

    Thanks for being AUTHENTIC. So realate to your post and in this world its easy to feel afraid, lonely and brave all at the same time. Amazing even as we are doing big work (building a business and raising kids) feeling it right with you. ox

  4. Sarah says:

    You are not alone (by a longshot). And you are enough. Thank you for reminding us how important it is to find beauty in the ordinary, even when the ordinary doesn’t always seem so beautiful.

  5. cathy muir says:

    Wow, tears of relating, and of wishing there was more I could do to help you. As your mother I want to bandage that knee that gets scraped, and hug away all the fears. But I can’t do that for you, while still living with it myself. The magic wand, as you know, got rusty a long time ago.

    But there is one thing that I really want you to know, that this blog, this reaching out to others, is not selfish. It is so much of a gift to so many, who struggle with many of the same of life’s unknowns. And life’s quirks and trips and tests and lessons. Without your blog so many would feel alone and misunderstood, and unappreciated in their lives. Please don’t ever think of it as a selfish act. Your creativity and authenticity bring tears, yes sometimes, but they are tears of our common feelings of failing and unworthiness.

    But we are not. None of us. Failing or unworthy. We are just living our lives the best we know how with what we have in our hands.

    I love you. And that phone is always sitting next to me, and I’m always on the other side, No matter what

  6. suzannemaxey says:

    Thank you. I had a similar break down last week. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. XOXO

  7. natalie says:

    I am with you – also, with just a few details changed. I especially resonate with what you say about those thin lines between self-expression and self-centeredness, and the giant chasms between our (very real, very valid) worryings and the extraordinary privilege we enjoy as some of the richest people on the planet. Expansive awareness can be overwhelming.

    Thanks for sharing, Plezzy.

  8. Rachel Nuzum says:

    love this my dear. I fully believe that by telling our truth we do more for others than we can ever know. I think the biggest disservice to ourselves and others is to perpetuate this bullshit that everything is fine, that we have it under control when just below the surface, everyone is treading, treading water – some days more frantically than others. we are not alone. we all have each other. we can do hard things. PS – you save the world a little bit each time you help that dude get his green lantern undies on his head and don your glitter. truth.

  9. Carrie says:

    You got him into underwear = success! Heads or tails, it doesn’t matter. Boys are so hard to potty train. Xxoo

  10. Melanie Greenberg says:

    Thank you for sharing this, Pleasance! You are brave to voice the fears that ALL of us face throughout our lives. With just a little bit of hindsight, I can tell you that (1) Milo WILL be potty trained (my son was three and half before it happened — and when it did, it happened overnight, without any future accidents). (2) You don’t have to do everything at once. There will be a time in your life when the kids are further along in school when there will be a little bit more time to change the world. For now, you are making a HUGE difference in the world you have created at Lill Omm, while also being a brilliant mom to your kids. This is wonderful all in itself. (3) Saylor may take a while to bury herself in a chapter book, but it will come (and LD brains are often wildly creative — she will bury herself in some other realm, and will bring you with her to fascinating places; it’s also a gift to get to read chapter books aloud to your kids until they are older than usual). I hope you are having a beautiful day today! XOOX

  11. shauna simon says:

    beautiful pleasance~ thank you for sharing and letting others know that we all have fears and moments of loneliness and doubt~ you are an inspiring, beautiful teacher to all~ xoxo
    ps (i called you:) just to say hello and love you~

  12. Well, now dearie, I hear you. But I also hear from a number of folks and this week it was TWO STEPS BACKWARDS week from everyone in the universe. So I think it’s Mercury Retrograde fucking with us big time. It makes us reflect and regress and reverse and regret and that is so upside down that the only way to respond is with underwear on your head! No one should take this time too seriously is what I’m saying. And you know I love you and will kick the shit out of you next time I see you because that is what true love is. If there’s one thing that makes you move forward and feel supported it’s a kick in the backside. Namaste.

  13. Kelly says:

    I will help with the backside kicking. And hugging. Always hugging. ❤️💜💖

  14. I know so many have already said it, but you have such a beautiful gift for putting into words and expression what is so deeply felt by so many and yet so deeply personal to you. I resonated with so much of what you shared and feel very grateful for this gift of camaraderie on such a crazy hard, amazing, thrilling, terrifying journey xoxo.

  15. Sophia says:

    You are not alone. You are so loved.

  16. Allison Blake says:

    I think you Awesome. Period.

  17. J. Brown says:

    Great post. Your transparency makes me feel good to be a human. Looking forward to meeting you. Waiting on some dates to finalize and then I’ll be in touch. Thanks for this. Cheers.

  18. yes yes yes. We r living extraordinary ordinary lives. And to feel alone, fear, uncertain, sad, anger, shame, fear is all normal. But today’s culture tries to hide the bad emotions and feelings and say that only the good stuff is correct. If we r not happy, perky and perfect we r wrong. Getting real and being authentic and vulnerable is so freeing and refreshing. Honestly, I surrendered only about 3 years ago and have been on a journey ever since to peel away the masks and be real. It’s a journey every day, every moment. Feeling, shifting, making space, course- correcting. I’ve even refocused my work because I feel so passionate about inspiring and igniting a consciously aware lifestyle and way of being. My new website will launch soon and I look forward to connecting every day with u and anyone on this journey called life. Awesome post!! So brave and courageous. Kelly

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