in the deep dark winter

without notice, your life will change.
pain will appear and its up to YOU.
How will you respond, react?
pay attention!

it happens to us all.
I felt it- and it was powerful- an explosive complicated mess of health, habits, human beings and stability… whirling around in a tornado this week. tough decisions, painful realities.

as the sun comes out today and shines on me while I stretch. I came home.

in fact, this whole week I was home. Things were being thrown left and right- asking me” WILL YOU DROWN?WILL YOU HIDE? WILL YOU GO DOWN?”

and the answer is no.
My light will shine, my glitter will go on… a way for me to keep dusting off and moving forward.

Learning to trust & love myself- for this resilience .. for the tears & the smiles.

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in honor

of the friends, the growth, the learning….

body, mind, spirit….

my precious 3…
mel, saylor, milo

wholeness… heart, trust, love

our community…. teachers, students, staff

our mission… engage, inspire,
connect.

my sweet, sweet lil omm…. I love you.
you gave me strength, connection, PURPOSE…. fulfillment.

I am amazed at the incredible ways in which you touch my life.

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over time.

I am really, really good at judging my yoga practice.
I can be so mean.
(difficult. rude. unforgiving. relentless)

I tell myself to do more “advanced” poses … to have longer practice sessions… to stop floating around so many styles and teachers and FOCUS.

then I come across a reading about yoga & what it is & why we have it . and I remember that I DO practice yoga, every damn day. in my whole life.

its how I run my business, parent my children, engage with the world.

I stopped standing on my head when it started bothering my neck. I learned how to enjoy restoratives & blocks& bolsters.

I stopped pretending I was not competing ( with myself) to strive towards the next yoga pose goal.

I am learning to be kind. I am learning to appreciate my relationship with this old friend and even with age, I can see we are getting better, into a healthier more sustainable relationship.

Some days I miss my old practice.. I miss our honeymoon period- our love fest. We really fell hard for each other-
daily long sweaty practice…. I dreamt about yoga, planned classes in my free time, researched studios, classes, teachers.. an addiction, really.

As time wears on.. and my WHOLE life has fewer boundaries I have to keep finding ways to bring that creative joy into my heart…in the past year I found myself going back to art & painting, trail running, taking up pilates & spinning b/c when yoga becomes your business, your livelihood, your whole facebook feed, even it can be too much.

I have heard myself say, enough!
agh! yoga, yoga, yoga! please. I need a break- I need a rest from how big it has become.

and then…. I go to my place where I stretch &play & get quiet.. I see this and know that I am here. This is my home, my heart, my path… I felt it all those years ago. I got connected, I plugged in, I woke up. I met the divine, I felt the spirit shining within and all around- the warmth and the connection, like a wave washed over my soul- and I was never the same again.

that feeling has led me here. and here. and here.

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the heart of my bness

2015 marks 5 years of our beautiful, intentional studio being open.

5.years. whoa.

it’s so incredible to me that we have grown year over year, month over month.

that me- ME, someone who KNEW NOTHING about bness or money or budgets or studio life opened a studio that is

STILL THRIVING- WOWOWOWOWO… totally magical.

well, sort of.

I work really hard at learning.

I say yes to opportunities that scare the crap out of me, especially if they are in relation to something I don’t know anything about. Then, I’m not so afraid. 5 years ago, I had an unhealthy relationship with anything financial.

Today, I can say from my heart, that I deeply appreciate and value my relationship with money. And I love numbers!

I LOVED, LOVED Kate Northrop’s book, Money, A Love Story and want to give it to every female I know. it’s so right on- it was life changing for me. I also hired an advisor to help me create budgets and tracking sheets and understand how my bness worked. (Mindful Profits & Amanda Weathersby have been incredible)

I’m spending time over the next few months, looking back on the past 5 years. Just reflecting, remembering and holding in my heart what an amazing ride this has been. all the joy & the struggle. it’s not always easy.. that’s for sure. and I can’t believe how much I have learned.

So this morning, I took out all the books that have been my friends along the way- the books that have grown me up in the bness world. the books that touched my heart AND taught me something I needed to know, gave me a gift of some sort. I see these books like my mentors, my guides, my support. my own B- school.

If you are not someone who reads a lot or are not into buying lots of books- I get it.

Honestly, it would be great to just read the authors blogs, subscribe to the newsletters they put out or follow them on Facebook. For many of these authors, it’s enough to get just a tiny bit of the genius they put out in the world.

And now I share them with you.

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glitter love

“find out who you are, and do it on purpose.”

it is this. totally and completely just going there. regularly. checking in.
digging deep. find out who you are.

a few years ago I would have never shared a picture of myself like this.

that girl who whispers…
“they will think your vain”
“don’t get so into yourself, they will judge you”
“they wont like you.”

this year, I am learning to quiet her.
( WHO THE FUCK IS THEY AND WHY HAVE THEY BEEN RUNNING MY LIFE?!?)

AND to embrace my pure joy that feeds me and has been a long time coming. I am happy. I look happy. I found out who I am, and I live on purpose. I want to share what I have done and continue to do with others. that brings me joy.

I have boxes of photos & journals that I want to share with you to prove it wasn’t always this way. evidence that I was so unhealthy and unhappy … but I don’t have to.

I can actually be happy without feeling bad about it. without having to share about the painful past as a way to prove that I deserve this.

whoa. that could be the release I have been waiting for.

what if I don’t have to tell it all, or bring it with me.

I could just shine. I could live on purpose because Its my dharma. I have spent my whole life to be here.

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top reads 2014

oldies and goodies in the mix-
books to deepen my practice and life!

enjoy- and for fiction… I finally read Goldfinch & The Signature of All Things. loved!

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“And as much as I’d like to believe there’s a truth beyond illusion, I’ve come to believe that there’s no truth beyond illusion. Because, between ‘reality’ on the one hand, and the point where the mind strikes reality, there’s a middle zone, a rainbow edge where beauty comes into being, where two very different surfaces mingle and blur to provide what life does not: and this is the space where all art exists, and all magic.”
Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

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