A few weeks ago I got on the phone with my friend, Anna and just started talking.
I over shared. I went back to places I have not been in a while. I brought up the muddy, messy, dirty past.
Others may not hear it, but I felt it. The past, where we come from, who we were and who we are.
I believe in the truth of the story. I believe that darkness brings light. I spent a lot of time WISHING things would be different.
I know they made me strong, and intense and open and responsible. I have tried too hard my whole life. TRIED to be a good person, TRIED to be healthy, TRIED to be an activist, TRIED to do-it-all. That conditioning for me, has GOT TO CHANGE.
Not only did my friend Anna give me an I AM ENOUGH frame, but a shaman asked me ” What are you trying to prove?”
I am working on ways to express, to heal and to LIVE each day. I KNOW there are no tomorrows. There are no somedays, there are no take backs. I don’t want to PROVE my worth, my value, my success. I want to LIVE it. I want to feel it. I want to BE with people, to TEACH truth, to open hearts, to hold hands.
I’m learning how to share this stuff in a clearer way. I am going to spend some time writing and reflecting on what I have learned in a way that is not so all over the place. I find that with all the experiences I have, books I read, podcasts I listen to and amazing people I have the honor of being with everyday- my mind is FULL. I am learning how to slow down, be quiet, say less, do less, and articulate my message. I’m not sure what’s next. But I know today is here. During times of rest and reflection, so many questions that are answerless appear….
This weekend, I leave for another meditation retreat with my teacher, Karen Maezen Miller. This practice which I have committed to serves me, heals me, opens my heart up to love- continues to show me the way.
Trust in the power of pause. Trust that each new experience changes us. Trust that you know nothing. Trust that through sickness and health, there is freedom. That this is the way.
“To love someone, truly love someone, we have to be there. We have to be there wholeheartedly. Not one eye on the laptop, one eye on our child. Not one eye on our partner, one eye on the iPhone. To love someone wholly, we have to be wholeheartedly present ourselves. Being “busy” robs us of that intimacy.”
“What would I do if I trusted myself fully?”