and now, this.

“What do I need to do right now to tend the root of inner wisdom that makes work fruitful?”

OH my goodness, yes.  I saved this blog a few days ago, it caught my eye.

http://www.onbeing.org/blog/the-modern-violence-of-over-work/6943

“There is a pervasive form of modern violence to which the idealist…most easily succumbs: activism and over-work. The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence.

To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence.

The frenzy of the activist neutralizes his (or her) work… It destroys the fruitfulness of his (or her)…work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.”

How can I explore DAILY the active intentional space I want to create with my life.

I’m done. I’m done over -planning and over – committing and over- emailing. I’m done feeling guilty or overworked.

I started lil omm so that I could create a life for myself full of meaningful work and family time. So that I could live in rhythm and peace and that I could work hard on something I loved and felt wildly passionate about. And I still do.

I especially fall in love with lil omm when I make space , when I do less, when I move mindfully in the world and make space to just be. to be me. to let go. to be sad or in pain, or explore any range of feelings that might be coming up.

When I’m too busy- I notice that I feel less, that I become addicted to thoughts and plans and filling empty blocks of time.

When I have space to cook healthy dinners,  take long walks, read books with my kids- I notice a bit of sadness or complete joy- I tune into my life.

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flowing on

“We cannot lose heart when we lose heart. Life demands that we be courageous just as life demands that we be compassionate. Display the willingness to be uncomfortable. Have faith in your own human heart.” – Rolf Gates

After I posted my last blog CRASH, so many of you reached out. thank you. I felt the support and love.

I also want to make sure that I am clear, I am okay. I will be okay. All is okay.

It’s not a secret that the lil omm yoga building is for sale and the future of where LO will be is up in the air.

I’m working on a number of options and I have a deep trust that it’s all happening as it should.

AND, I’m scared. It’s the unknown. There is uncertainty, for sure.

The LEARNING for me is to HOW I deal with it all… how I STOPPED. Paused. Took a breathe and slowed down.. INSTEAD of speeding up- freaking out- running around- working too much or too late-doubting myself, yelling at the kids.. ( you get the point). That was the old way.

Here is what I did to help myself get grounded and centered….

First, I took a bath. in the middle of the day- I closed the door, lit a candle, and relaxed.

Then, I did this. A Beautiful yoga practice, thanks to Kripalu online. I only did half.. but I was already feeling better by then.

Then I went to dinner with my husband, and talked about how I was feeling.

I  am mindful to not just write about wonderful, beautiful things b/c reality is a bit more complicated.. a little more messy.

Sometimes, our lives have struggle, in fact that is a guarantee….Suffering IS the known, it’s part of being human.

So for now, I’m going to give myself some space. Clear my schedule a bit and I’m going to take good care.

I will be honest and open with friends about my fears, and be whole. I don’t want you to just see the smiles and the laughs.

Someone said to me today, good to see you cry- just nice to know you are human and not a superwoman…

YIKES!!! I am a totally real life day- to day average human being with responsibility, conflict, suffering and fear… I just use the practices that I am learning to HELP me along the way… to help make is a bit less intense, a little less painful, and to help me ENJOY the ride…

* Erich Schiffmann taught me the term “flowing on” which just means- in certain poses or situations.. you can choose  to hold and breathe or you can ” flow on” when you feel ready…Today, I flow on.

HOW TO BUILD INNER STRENGTH 

“You build inner strength through embracing the totality of your experience, both the delightful parts and the difficult parts. Embracing the totality of your experience is one definition of having loving-kindness for yourself. Loving-kindness for yourself does not mean making sure you’re feeling good all the time—trying to set up your life so that you’re comfortable every moment. Rather, it means setting up your life so that you have time for meditation and self-reflection, for kindhearted, compassionate self-honesty. In this way you become more attuned to seeing when you’re biting the hook, when you’re getting caught in the undertow of emotions,  when you’re grasping and when you’re letting go. This is the way you become a true friend to yourself just as you are, with both your laziness and your bravery. There is no step more important than this. “

Pema Chodron

Crash

I was doing so well.. or at least I thought I was. I held it together, I planned it all. I was really feeling STRONG after some quiet down time, a trip to Kripalu, lots of meditation and then suddenly.. I opened a door and the reality awakened me. My teacher always says, take care of what is in front of you. right now. take care of what is right here. right in front of you. what is here. here. here….

and today, I opened the door and there it was. clear as day. something I need to take care of came knocking. and blew me over.

I fell apart rather quickly, I went through a wide range of emotions that just led to a meltdown, a letting go, a release.

I know we will get to the other side of this and that it ALL happens as it should. I know in my heart that I can handle this and that I will survive. But, I’m scared. And I’m confused. A bit lost.. a lot unsure.

So, instead of answering the 200 emails.. or filing the paperwork or doing the bills.. ( the list goes on and on and on)
Right NOW I need to soak in the tub. breathe a little. clear the schedule. care for myself. relax and release that’s the skill to learn, to practice in REAL LIFE struggle. IN. JUST. THIS. MOMENT.
the one where I stand in confusion and suffering.
NOW!
(I remind myself)
is the time.

As I have been telling Saylor all the time lately…

She believed she could. So, she did.

TRUST.

A few weeks ago I got on the phone with my friend, Anna and just started talking.

I over shared. I went back to places I have not been in a while. I brought up the muddy, messy, dirty past.

Others may not hear it, but I felt it. The past, where we come from, who we were and who we are.

I believe in the truth of the story. I believe that darkness brings light. I spent a lot of time WISHING things would be different.

I know they made me strong, and intense and open and responsible. I have tried too hard my whole life. TRIED to be a good person, TRIED to be healthy, TRIED to be an activist, TRIED to do-it-all. That conditioning  for me, has GOT TO CHANGE.

Not only did my friend Anna give me an I AM ENOUGH frame, but a shaman asked me ” What are you trying to prove?”

I am working on ways to express, to heal and to LIVE each day. I KNOW there are no tomorrows. There are no somedays, there are no take backs.  I don’t want to PROVE my worth, my value, my success. I want to LIVE it. I want to feel it. I want to BE with people, to TEACH truth, to open hearts, to hold hands.

Here’s my talk with Anna.

I’m learning how to share this stuff in a clearer way. I am going to spend some time writing and reflecting on what I have learned in a way that is not so all over the place. I find that with all the experiences I have, books I read, podcasts I listen to and amazing people I have the honor of being with everyday- my mind is FULL. I am learning how to slow down, be quiet, say less, do less, and articulate my message. I’m not sure what’s next. But I know today is here. During times of rest and reflection, so many questions that are answerless appear….

This weekend, I leave for another meditation retreat with my teacher, Karen Maezen Miller. This practice which I have committed to serves me, heals me, opens my heart up to love- continues to show me the way.

Trust in the power of pause. Trust that each new experience changes us. Trust that you know nothing. Trust that through sickness and health, there is freedom. That this is the way.

“To love someone, truly love someone, we have to be there. We have to be there wholeheartedly. Not one eye on the laptop, one eye on our child. Not one eye on our partner, one eye on the iPhone. To love someone wholly, we have to be wholeheartedly present ourselves. Being “busy” robs us of that intimacy.”

Read This.  AND THIS 

“What would I do if I trusted myself fully?” 

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