why I practice

I had just gotten home from a long day. It was late- past bedtime.

I was tired.

“How did it go with the kids tonight” I ask.

“Fine.”  he says.

“Did you guys read or play a game?” I kept digging.

“Nope. We hung out.”

“By hang out, do you meant that you just watched TV together?”

“Yes.”

Pause. ANGER. ANGER. I start to feel hot- my stomach starts to hurt. I start to squint my eyes. I pull the covers over my head. I start to notice that I am having a REACTION to something I have no control over that has already happened. I notice that I feel the URGE to be heard. RIGHT NOW. I have to tell him how I feel.. we have had this conversation a million times! He NEVER listens, I think. I don’t WANT them watching tv at night. We are SO not on the same page. This makes me feel angry!  I HAVE to tell him how I want them to read at night and play games. That I want him to help with homework, make crafts, bake cookies. NOT WATCH TV. Okay as I start to lay here and breathe- I notice. I breathe. I start to count my breaths. Then I debate…. if I say something now- I will be heard but the end will NOT be good.. I know where this leads.. We will argue about this. It’s late. I’m tired. He’s relaxing.. is this worth it? What if you wait until the morning? What if you wait to be heard?

Breathe in and out. Relax my jaw. Notice it all. Take it all in. Decide unhappily to wait.

Roll over and fall asleep. I wake up feeling lighter, clearer & at ease.  I SEE him making breakfast & lunches, hugging & playing.

“Tonight, when I go teach,  can you please do homework with her? ”

“Sure. ”

 

This entry was posted in general.

2 comments on “why I practice

  1. Pamela says:

    Pleasance this is so lovely. And tough!! I am very inspired by this brave act of non reaction. Always letting go. Never giving up. Thank you!

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