A few short years ago, I was in a bad place. a dark tunnel filled with so much stress. I was moving the studio to a new location (being asked to leave our original location), living with a very challenging pregnancy & pregnancy depression, watching my bff confront cancer and layer on top of that some marriage hiccups & financial stress.
I did a pretty good job of hiding it .. or so I thought.
A few months after Milo was born, we re- opened lil omm in Tenley, my bff was healthy again, I started communicating with my hubby better and I felt like things were really looking up.
And this is when I started losing my hair… in huge clumps, bald spots everywhere.I have written and spoken about this in the past.. ..it was weird bc I was trying to hide it from everyone ( I am not good at hiding or feeling like i cant express myself 100% authentically. all the time ) I could not stop thinking “how does a health and wellness teacher LOOSE her hair from stress?” I felt ashamed and scared. I would pause when people would ask how I was.. ” I’m okay. I would say.. just a lot going on.”
I was also a bit heartbroken. I thought we were “in the clear” that life had calmed down a bit .
Milo was born healthy, our vibrant community had a yoga home again and my best friend was healthy again! so much to be grateful for! and yet, my body was on a delay. I tried to meditate on this, to sit quietly offering myself peace and healing. I poured lavender on my scalp and slept with it on my pillow. I had good days where I counted my blessings and reminded myself it was only hair.. and I had TERRIBLE tearful screaming nights where I beat myself up mentally for not being strong and for hiding so much pain and I watched a lot of tv to pass time until it grew back. I said no to a bunch of social events and parties. I was scared to swim. When my hair was wet you could see all the bald spots. For an entire spring and summer I did not even get in the pool with the kids.
I believe my hair loss was related to the previous year’s stress in my life. I was so scared of falling apart when things were bad and even more terrified to break down when I thought I had gotten my shit together.
Fast forward to the 6 rounds of steroid shots in my head.. my hair SLOWLY started coming back. It has now been almost 2 years and all the new hair is CRAZY curly.
Its hilarious. I am learning how to take care of it, learning how quick it dreads if I don’t brush it- and I learned you are not supposed to brush it!
But I think what strikes me the most is that as the curly grows wild I can see that time in my life over my shoulder now.
that time has passed. that no matter what …. I keep changing. That I am still ALIVE & STRONG and that this might be the happiest I have ever been in my life.
scary to say aloud.
Its like when I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the curls I stop and think about how far I have come- emotionally-
personally and with my life. I say to myself- WOW- you have been through a lot. This has been a pretty vibrant and interesting 35 years- whats next??
I just want to be clear to the world that I don’t take 1 day for granted. I don’t ever forget all the work and tears and loneliness that dominated my life for plenty of years.. that now that I feel free I will always follow my heart. I will always keep creating new ideas- new ventures- new friends- new practices.
I am in love with life. even the sad parts. even the tough moments. even the heartbreak and the pain. and especially all the beautiful people who are in my life.
I want to spread the possibility of joy. I want to thank all the writers, yoga & meditation teachers, creators, artists and visionaries who inspire me to keep up my good work. I feel connected to them all for sharing stories, opening hearts and putting it all out on the table .
i don’t want to miss a thing.