I know that we are not defined by the work we do. I know that our value in this world does not come from teaching 30 yoga classes a week.
I know the real work is in the day to day. how well we love our kids , our spouses, ourSELVES.
How much time do we take to get to know ourselves- our own flows/rhythms & allow some down time to show us the truth of our inner life.
This past few weeks my inner guru showed me A LOT about some hidden anxiety that kept appearing. It showed up by being short with my hubby, and with a huge pit in my stomach that is just starting to lift. I have not been sleeping well here on my sabbatical.. I have been jittery- and a bit scared of the answers as to why. The past few days, I have been investigating the anxiety that has popped up.
I asked my hubby- ” Are you sure this is the right thing for me to do? Be at the beach with the kids for the whole summer? Do you think I should come home?”
I told one of my dearest friends ” I’m embarrassed about how I feel. I SHOULD be so happy. this is an amazing opportunity. who complains about being at the beach for 2 months? ”
I called and texted and reached out to my support circle. I stretched on my mat. I sat on my cushion. I read books & blogs& caught up on “The Good Wife” . I de cluttered our condo a few times so that there was less stuff around me. I kept peeking inside to see what was brewing in there. Oh there it is. GUILT. a laundry list of reasons as to why I don’t “deserve” this. all of it. the kids, the break, the beach, the quiet, the gift of yoga, the list went on and on.
I am GOOD at DOING A LOT. I am fantastic at managing 4 schedules, a studio, many friends, tons of calls and keeping a float. or so I appear to be. But the reality is most of is half effort. I give too much to too many rather than deep with a few. And I work HARD for everything I have. I always have had an intense work ethic to say the least. NOTHING was handed to me. I fought for my life. Sometimes, I burn myself out. I want to be here for a long time. Which means I WANT to look at my life as this beautiful Irish country- side marathon rather than the Vegas rock and roll half marathon. it doesn’t mean I won’t have fun along the way- BUT I will make the effort to stop and smell the flowers. I will not rush through these moments that fill my days. no matter if it’s rest or play or work.
My teacher say slow it dow, wake up, go deep, awake to this moment, feel your wiggling fingers.
I am learning how to appreciate and find the joy in the SIMPLE & SLOW. Taking daily care of myself and my kiddos. without all the distractions.
Things like this pop in my inbox & I know I am on the right path.
GLORIOUS DAY. Grateful mama. slow it down, eventually it feels good.
while dealing with milo’s terribly difficult tantrum for the hundredth time this week. I realized something.
I have more space&love&patience than normal.
as he continues to demonstrate loud & violent tantrums of rage, I drop into my breathe and holding space for him.
this is a shift for me.
at home in DC amidst daily life and the crazy busy life we lead- I have no space for him. I yell at my hubby- I can be short with both kids. and sorry to say I take a lot of stress out on the dog.
and milos tantrums are BIG now that he is 2. they have been for a while. a few weeks ago I told my hubby I was not even sure if I could leave DC and move to the beach with them for the summer bc I didn’t know if I could handle him.
I was nervous about single parenting and how I would be able to deal with his difficult behavior. but something has happened over the past 10 days. I have slowed down. I have let go. I have surrendered to this amazing summer & in the meantime I am able to care for my 2 year old in a loving& compassionate way.
my big takeaway for today is
” the less I do, the more space I have to be”
I sink into the passion of the tantrums. I feel his breath and hold his body in close. I snuggle and console him. he is going through something I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. I can only hold space for what is his own pain. I cant take it on.
I’m okay with that & grateful to be his mom and of course the opportunity to awaken to this experience.