a wish

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happy birthday to me.
today I will take it easy on myself & attempt to be especially mindful of this gift of life I have been given.

turning 35, turning inside with deep gratitude and reflection for what has passed and interest for what is to come.

C&M

C&M

Some people come in your life and forever change you.

sometimes a girl gets so lucky to meet her soul sisters and live in the same city and grow up together.

my girls grew me up. over and over.

up and down, back and forth.

boys&drinks&fights&babies&cancer&
always a deep love.

there were times I wanted to quit but I couldn’t. it’s too strong and runs too deep in my soul. the closest family I have. we will always go dancing.

so I have held them in my heart and always will.

my chrys & mer.

contrasts

yesterday, pema chodron taught
me” facts of life” @ omega.
peace& radiance from within.
subtle joy & deep gratitude.
the teachings on impermanence, egolessness, suffering and peace.

Today ER with milo. another breathing episode. another day of quiet surrendor to no control. this is now quite a pattern for this little guy.

the beeps are peaceful, calming& soothing. 3 pm at a quiet ER. I am full of ease and surrendor at this moment. finding beauty even here- the opposite of natural beauty I saw at Omega.

teachings from Pema feel more useful today. we have been in this room before…in this exact chair seeing the nursing station and watching life from the inside of this room. no windows or trees. just beeps and clean floors.

he will be okay & so will I.

this is a nice place to practice relaxation & find a breath to meditate on. who knew?

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mantra

“To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

~ Attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, but probably not by him.

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a gift.

no doubt its been a long hard road. years of therapy and bumps in the road.

barriers, really.

its been painful and frustrating and at times really ugly.

life can be messy.

as a mom , I know the love we have for our children. which is why- this year

I am going to give her the gift of love.  happy mother’s day, mom.

my own mother and I have had a very complicated relationship for many years.

I used to focus on all the bad and be quite dramatic about it all.

year of self growth, yoga, meditation, & time to heal have brought me on a new path towards forgiveness, towards peace with what is.

moving towards compassion where I  allow good memories to float back in to a space where they were overshadowed by dark clouds.

I am NOT perfect. I have not been able to ever fully forgive, forget or move on. the one person I am the most closed & selfish to is the woman who gave birth to me.

as a dedication to my practice, I have decide to share the top 3 things I love about my mom this mother’s day.

1. We share our love for yoga. A few years ago,  my mom went alone to Kripalu for a relax and renew retreat. This past winter, she took up classes again. When I was in teacher training, I sent her mix cd’s of Krishna Das and all the “yoga music”  I was getting in to. I’m grateful we share this passion.

2.The warm feeling in my chest.  Just recently, I had a childhood memory come back that had been long forgotten. I was laying in bed reading to my own daughter when the feeling and memory returned.   When I was little, my mom and I would lay on the couch and watch TV. She would rub my feet or my legs when I had growing pains and slowly my heart center would grow so warm. It was full of love. I would tell her, “I have that warm feeling mom” and she would say she had it too. Cozy moments with safety , security, and mom brought the love in my heart.  Now, I have it with Saylor at night, in her bed all snuggled up.

3. Her deep love for music. She shared with me, for as long as I can remember, her love for music. She played songs for me, talked about musicians, dated one! ( my dad) and always filled our house and our car with good tunes. I’m grateful b/c to this day- a great song is my go to for peace and for healing, my own self soothing.  My mom knew and LIKED a lot of the music that I grew up with including.. Heavy D.. “Now that we found love what are we gonna do with it” and she would sing as loud as I did in the car.  I am JUST like her in the car with Saylor, belting out radio tunes, Disney or anything I can expose her to. Always saying her classic line “ good song” before I turn it up.

No matter where your mom is, no matter how fabulous or delicate the relationship- sit back and try to find some good memories. I promise, it’s worth it.  especially this week.

 “ So maybe tomorrow I ‘ll find my way home.  So maybe tomorrow I’ll find my way home. “  click to watch this beautiful version of a song that just pulls at my heart and reminds me so much of the beauty and the pain we all face in our lives, with our families, trying again and again. ..  Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms and daughters re -building relationships, holding tight to the ones they have, and honoring the divine mother we all have within.