in the back of my head, I know it’s approaching.
I have said it a bunch of times.. in passing.. “oh , yeah I’m going to this meditation retreat.. in Ohio”
Inside my body. my heart starts to skip. my head starts a mantra. unknown. unknown.unkown.
I have no idea what is about to happen. but I ‘m pretty sure it’s going to change my life.
that’s what she does, EVERY TIME I’M WITH HER.
when I read her words.. my heart is connected. I feel like she’s talking to me. She hears me. She knows me. She opens me up and sees the inside.
she’s my teacher.
at her last visit to lil omm, I cried almost the whole weekend and then GROUNDED. like I had not been in years.
Her energy lifts me, swirls me around , and then leaves me a little.. out of it . Only to fully return to myself. in a more open way. with more love and beauty and tears and life. Grounded. Confident. Present. Deeply Rooted.
I cry. I need space. I feel WIPED after being with her. After the practice and the teachings. and the knowledge. and the space. sitting quietly. doing nothing.
When Karen Maezen Miller (Momma Zen & Hand Wash Cold Author & Zen Buddhist Teacher/ Priest) posted months ago that she was teaching a retreat in OHIO in MARCH- I thought. that’s crazy! Ohio? WHY? March? WHY? I can’t do that. I can’t afford it. How selfish of me to even want to go? And then I took a DEEP BREATH and I knew I was going. .
I did everything I could to make it happen. I started the ball rolling and now I am days away from the flight.
Okay, lets start here- A FLIGHT ALONE WITHOUT KIDS. has not happened in a very long time. I’m going to be PLEASANCE! not mama. not owner of lil omm. no masks, veils, roles or responsibilities. just me. So, is that what is totally freaking me out?
a few days on my mat, on my meditation cushion without any of the parts of my life that I have relied on as ways to identify myself. ( mom, community member, wife, friend, teacher, coach, bness owner.. the list goes on and on) instead it’s Just me. ME.
I’m not sure what will unfold.
I’ve had tough days over the past few months where just the thought of this retreat was enough to get me through.
I’m called to the practice, sitting and stillness save me over & over.
I’m ready Karen.