Family Meetings


After being away for 7 weeks,  our transition home was {kinda} smooth. Mostly because mama did everything she could to clean and organize and declutter the house BEFORE school starts this week……

I was able to do most stuff and get the kids involved in the donating projects and organizing books. We STILL have a lot of stuff- that’s for sure but I’m working on it slowly. It takes time, and I know that since it’s a priority to me- that I am going to be the one who is  motivated to actually work on the clearing out of our “STUFF”, especially with growing kiddos where there seems to ALWAYS be something we can get rid of.

BUT after all that cleaning and clearing – I was still feeling a bit unsettled and I realized that we are not on the same page. As the CEO and leader of the Silicki crew- it was my job to pull together our family meeting notes & values, and to get us on track for a weekly family meeting. We have done meetings before- sort of here and there with the kids, mostly b/c Milo was too young to get it. Mel and I had our own planning time on our weekly date nights but now with Saylor going into 3rd grade and Milo starting Kindergarten- it’s the PERFECT time to set up a weekly family meeting.

Also, I could tell that we need a regular consistent date to talk about what is working well for us – each member of the family and what needs some attention. Who is feeling heard and supported in the family and who is feeling frustrated or irritated about something (this time, it was me!) We needed a safe, calm regular space to communicate around how we live together.

So I put together a super quick check in sheet for us to use each week and I set the time to be the same each week- SUNDAYS at 5pm- FAMILY MEETING. Now, we like to go out to dinner on Sunday nights so I told everyone we could have the meeting at the restaurant and I brought the check in papers and everything we need. Currently, we are working on pulling together our values to create our family mission statement, but this process is taking time- everyone wants more time to think about what we value as a family.

Also, so that I don’t overwhelm them I try to have just 1 thing I want to do at the meeting, one thing to discuss. So for example, we always go over the check in sheet ( see questions below) and then I usually bring 1 other topic.. this week it will be FALL schedule b/c over the weekend I finished mapping out the after school activities and the weekends I am working, etc so that we can discuss if we have enough down time, alone time, family time, etc.

I LOVE doing this. I feel so empowered by our unit when we have these conversations and GET ON THE SAME PAGE!  It helps my husband and I be able to move a bit more easily through the week – when we know generally who is responsible for what and when, what nights will be late for work or early for exercise, etc. And I can honestly feel that our intentionality in this method DEEPLY helps Milo who has trouble with transition and change – so being able to connect each week about what’s ahead is really helping him adjust as well. And Saylor LOVES to know what’s going on which day, she LOVES being part of a FAMILY and this routine has been really helpful for all of our relationships. I also know I have a place each week to bring up something that might have happened the week before ( like both children sleeping in our bed) and there is WAY less drama or frustration b/c we all sit down together and express how we are – within a safe boundary.

Here are the questions on our Weekly Meeting Form..

Each person gets a turn to share..

What went well this week for you..

at school/work/camp

at home/personal/family

with health/fitness/care

What did not get well for you…..

at school/work/camp

at home/personal/family

with health/fitness/care

What did you learn this week? 

could be something you tried that did not work out- or something you learned at school or at work or about yourself!

Do you need any support right now from the family or outside the family?

If you want some guidelines for creating a Family Mission Statement- email me and I’ll send them over to

Also, I just finished the outline for our FIRST FAMILY THRIVE Intensive workshop- to be held later this fall- stay tuned!! Topics will cover things like- planning,healthy eating, movement and meditation for the whole family.

You can find loads of resources online for family charters, family mission statements, family meeting outlines- HONESTLY, I keep it simple and I just create my own template.

My friend Lori, from Mindful Return also wrote these posts about her planning- these might also give you some ideas!

Annual Planning Day: The Saturday Basket on Steroids

Saturday Secrets: Tips on Living a Calmer Life as a Working Mama

Daily Practice.. Don’t miss your life.

As we transitioned back to life in DC, I noticed that some of my daily practices had been becoming a bit wacky. I find that I was waking up at 5am and doing some of my morning practices but that something was not quite right… I felt like something was missing.

One morning last week, I was moving slowly, making coffee and petting my dog and I realized- SADHNA. I miss my Sadhna. The daily art of listening to your life. of bringing to life the sacredness of life. Of dedicating your practices to something BEYOND you- to blessing the morning- the day – to making offerings to my teachers and to becoming connected to all things bigger than my little life. Agh- okay- I got it.  I was DOING all the things but I was not DOING them with a purpose- a reminder- an awareness of all the connections of WHY we do all of this…

There are many definitions of Sadhna. So for my purposes- here is what I mean…doing something regularly that deepens my practice and awareness and doing it with intention. Consistent, regular practices that you commit to with thoughts of gratitude for life, for teachings..I like this definition as well- “regular spiritual practice, your personal individual effort and it is the main tool you use to work on yourself to achieve the purpose of life” { which, FYI I am still trying to figure out }  In some traditions, it’s chanting or mantra and in others it’s offerings and blessings with meditation and yoga. Since I like to build on the wisdom traditions INTO my modern life – here is what it ACTUALLY looks like.

5:03am WAKE UP- Milo is in the bed ( he arrived at 4:46am) I pause and notice him. I breathe a little bit with him, just seeing him. Today is his first day of kindergarten so I acknowledge him for where he is, right now in this moment.  When me eyes open at 5:03 I think SADHNA. and this automatically puts me into gratitude and awake mode- I REMEMBER that I am taking this early morning time as my sacred way to start the day and it changes my mindset. This intention is what keeps me away from my phone and computer for at least an hour.

NEXT, I spend a few moments just breathing into my body. I put my feet in bound angle pose. One hand on the heart and one hand on the belly and breathe a bit here.

Now I’m ready to get up- and I drink the full glass of water next to bed. I rub 1 drop of balance oil on my feet. I start to breathe a bit deeper. I tip toe out of the bedroom. And downstairs where I fill up my water- add 1 drop of grapefruit oil and head to the basement. One of my sacred spaces. Here I light a candle. I take in the alter. I turn on the twinkle lights.

Today I want to practice to music so I put on my Yoga Yummy Playlist and let it shuffle-

The next 30 minutes is dedicated to intuitive movement and breathing practices. I do this with the help of Krishna Das, Wah, and others who inspire my movements. Today I pause between standing poses and relax. notice. feel all the feelings that are inside this morning, this first day of K and 3rd grade. The feelings that reside from yesterday that were hanging on- I process the emotions from the dreams I had last night. In standing poses, I use a very relaxed open mouth exhale to let go of what is stuck. And this goes on for a bit until I sit quietly. My practice is over. Not too long, not too short- just right for me. for today. A way to honor my life JUST AS IT IS right in this moment. Over the weekend, someone that I respected passed away and this morning I just spent some time thinking of her parents. Thinking of all her first days of school- you see this person was only 33 years old. It was not so long ago that her parents were packing her backpack & her lunches. Not so long ago that she was fixing up her hair and picking out which dress to wear. You see- as a mama, these are the moments I think of when someone dies. THE  LIFE MOMENTS that you don’t see on social media or in pictures. They are the actual tiny tiny moments of our lives- that only we see behind closed doors. The moments of childhood. Of growing and of loss. I think those are the most precious, the most intimate and the ways in which we actually connect as humans.

This morning I want to honor her family, in my own way by just bringing to mind all their little moments. By sending out whatever love and thoughts and acknowledgment I can to ALL The families who have kiddos not going to school today for whatever reason that is. I think of my friend Annie Lou’s kiddos who start school today without their mama. The first school year where she won’t be there with them. And I think of my friend Whitney who lost her beloved daughter this Spring who won’t get to have a “first day of kindergarten” with Eliana.

And as I sit here, it’s dawn now. The dog is snoring next to me. The coffee is getting cold. ANY moment they will come down to greet me and in no time at all- we will be on our way..and how incredibly wonderful and magical it is that these 2 beings will head out with us this morning. healthy and strong, alive and nervous- representing the mysterious wonder of life.  I have NO CLUE what this year will bring. The only thing I know is that we will face challenge and celebrate joys.

And I know my Sadhna practice will be the anchor and the guide for me, in how to be with and feel the reality of my life.

Start Your own Sadhna

  1. Choose a space. make it sacred ( candles, pictures, something inspirational)
  2. Commit to a day and time ( preferably the SAME day and time each day) and know that you can always have a Sadhna practice when you need it- but to get started as a habit- go ahead and commit. ( oh and show up for yourself!)
  3. If you know some yoga poses, do them- some dance moves- do them, some workout moves- do them! Don’t let the movement freak you out- LET the breath guide you. When you feel like pausing and just sitting or standing still- do that.
  4. Sometimes I write in my journal while I am in practice or right after- so if you are processing a lot of emotions or changes you might want to keep one near by.
  5. During the whole practice- just allow your self to be. GET quiet enough to let intuition guide- so many of us have NOT been practicing listening to our life- that this might take a few rounds.
  6. Bring in some gratitude, some intentions, some acknowledgments to joy or sorrow that you or someone you love has.
  7. Repeat as much as possible.

xoxoxox P

I would love to help you create your own Sadhna practice-

email me @ to get some support.


Why Retreat

retreatWhy Retreat?

Okay, let’s be real for a minute.
Our lives never seem to slow down. The minute we think we will “have some time” to ourselves, a kid gets sick, the sitter does not show up, our boss calls us back into work, the dishwasher breaks. It never ends! It’s just too much. Our daily, busy modern lives do not really ease up and it’s truly up to us to put a big stop sign up and say, “ENOUGH!  I need a break.”
A few years ago when Milo was a year and a half, I had hit that wall. I was running on fumes and was just not able to find any peace or space in my daily life.  I was craving quiet, rest, solitude, and nourishment… and it’s funny because I did not realize that going in.  My nervous system was on OVERDRIVE all the time, and I don’t think I even had a minute to realize what I wanted.  It was a freezing cold night, both kids were crying, and I was sitting on the floor of my house when I saw the description for the retreat come into my inbox and I thought, “THAT’S IT. It’s time.”
You see, before that I had never spent time or money on my self like this.  Sure I had taken “trainings” (and anything having to do with learning always counts as a good investment), but I really struggled with allowing myself– giving permission to myself to actually schedule some serious down time. A weekend that focused solely on meditation and silence, on being and not doing.
And after a few days away from my family, on my own to write in my journal, read my book, be in silence, walk in nature, eat meals on my own slowly and with care, I started to breath deeper, fuller and I could feel my shoulders soften. I started to see my life in a new way, I started to relax a bit into my true nature.  And my life never really looked the same again.
I was able to recognize and prioritize when I needed some alone time. I was able to make it through some very hard times by just knowing that my next retreat was planned and that I was truly giving myself permission to take time away from daily life. I noticed that when I returned my voice was stronger, my heart fuller, my head clearer. I was prepared to make decisions for our family and for my biz, and I was  able to engage with my daily life from a more loving and grounded place.
Yep, just that weekend away had given my body and my mind the much deserved REST it truly needed, and from then on Retreat has been one of the ways I have been able to do hard things, process emotions, and find my way home to ME. What a gift to give my kids and to my husband, when I come home and love them up so much!  My gratitude is overflowing for the gifts that our life is and that can be SO HARD TO SEE when I’m rushing around, DOING, DOING, DOING and living in fight or flight mode.
So.. that was where my love affair with retreats started. I signed up for one, and then another. I planned and mapped out that I really needed and wanted to go once a year, then once a season. Eventually, I  started leading them at the studio and then in new places. One of the things I love to do most in the world is hold space for women to just be: to create, to rest, to walk or stretch with no expectations for outcomes.  Just everyone having their own experience.
So this Fall and Winter I invite you to join me. Each retreat a bit different: a different purpose, a different time of year.
  • Fall Pause.  September 24. Planting the seeds for a easeful Fall season. Taking a day to reflect and unplug. GREAT for people who cannot do longer weekend, who are nervous about an overnight, or who are really stressed out in daily life and need a break NOW.
  • MOMS UP!  October 28-30.  GREAT for mamas who want to spend an intimate weekend with other mamas! DELISH food, conversations, mama workshops and movement practices all weekend. We share a big country house and enjoy the beauty of Fall and each other.
  • Delight.  December 9-11. Designed for women wanting to spend some time in quiet, in contemplation, surrounded by the beautiful VA countryside with plenty of trails to walk, plus time for yoga and meditation. The PERFECT way to approach the Holidays, to set intentions for the new year, and to explore your inner world.  In this retreat, we will dive into some of the principles covered in my book, Delight: 8 Principles for Living with Joy & Ease all while settling into the rhythms of winter. Our accommodations allow for you to share a room & visit with a friend OR to have a private room where you can choose to spend most of your time just resting and relaxing.  I have a few optional workshops also planned for this weekend, including JourneyDance and Mala Bracelet making, and book your own massage!


Retreat FAQs

What if I don’t know anyone? You’re already one of us—you seek connection, rest, and nourishment and so do we! It won’t take long to break the ice and feel open and comfortable with the group.

What if I have a food/allergy concern? E-mail us and we’ll find a solution.

What if I’ve never done yoga or meditation? You’re in for a treat! We’ll enjoy all levels practices for all ages, stages, and sizes.

Is it possible to arrive early or stay late? Maybe! Please contact the venue directly.

What if I have to cancel? Your registration is non-refundable, however you are able to transfer registration to someone else (ie. sell you spot).  Keep in mind, this is a gift and investment in yourself.

little acts of {self} kindness

It is 5 pm on Friday.

Saylor is out with friends- Milo is playing in his room.

I have exactly 15 minutes before Mel gets home.

I head to my room and go right for my mat.

It won’t be a long practice. I roll around on my yoga tune up balls.

First I place them under my shoulders and then under my hips. Lifting and lowering my arms and legs feeling the pressure in all the tight places- slowly release.

Full deep breaths in and out. A few new movement patterns.  Forward folds, bent knees, wide stance. Softness around my aging body. Stillness. silence. deep full awareness…

And if even for just a moment, I experience the bliss of being right here. right now.

OF COURSE there are loads of other things I SHOULD be doing.

But I choose me.

I hear the front door close- I stand up.

“get your shoes buddy!” I yell.

And off we go.

Fall Session of Yoga For Women starts in September.

Join us! lil

Salt Baths

“Help! I have some physical pain that keeps surfacing. I have possible emotional stagnation or congestion. I can’t figure out how to get unstuck. How can I help myself, save money & get some relief?” 

A super easy way to give yourself some ultra self care when you need it is to grab some pure epsom salt and add some natural oils. 

This summer I used Salt Baths to help with a variety of issues thay came up like… stress, emotional confusion, lower back pain, and slow digestion. 

Salt baths are great not only  to help releive aches and pains from daily life but are also to help process emotions, isn’t that awesome?!?

I blended oils as needed depending on what was coming up for me.

Ylang Ylang for emotions and healing.

Frankincense for spiritual connection. 

Deep Blue & Aroma Touch for physical tightness&soreness.

Balance for grounding.

Serenity for peace and relaxation.

Want to learn more about using oils everday?  want to learn more about Daily Self Care?

email me


The Super Power called Anxiety.

I have a lot of anxious people in my life. I know a lot of people on meds. Don’t you? People who struggle and suffer with panic attacks, low level anxiety, worrying and racing which creates constant thoughts, or truly energetic monkey mind.

I have people who call me to ask for help with their children, husband, mother….”someone in my family has anxiety- can yoga and meditation help??”

I pause. Yes. And……

Here’s the thing.

I think anxiety is our SuperPower. I think if we re-frame it. we can look at it and use it is our guide to the inner world. We can get super curious when it arises AROUND what is the discomfort in my life? what is the dis-connect? what is happening here? what is causing this stress in my system? AND THEN… ahhh- we have access to integrating our mind-body connection a bit more. Dropping in- breathing through the feet. Relaxing the jaw. allowing space. And then we listen. If we identify and allow the body and mind to talk to us- and communicate with us WHO knows what you will uncover about yourself and these patterns. Life learning is happening everywhere.

You see we don’t always have tools these days to LISTEN to our bodies. to LISTEN to what our intuition and our soul is trying to tell us.  And our bodies CERTAINLY are NOT on our human-crazy-busy time. Our bodies are not TRYING to jam and cram as much as possible into 1 day or life. Our bodies are trying to heal and rest and digest and stabilize.. if we gave them a chance to.


I have been taking care of my kids mostly alone for the summer. Mostly living as a single parent while we had our adventurous New England Summer… Over the past few days of our time away.. I noticed that my stomach started to feel a bit bloated, a bit un-comfy.

This usually happens before and when I travel- always has- so honestly I did not think much of it. But as the days went on, and we got home and transitioned back to DC – I noticed that it was getting worse. AT THE SAME TIME- I noticed that my son was having a hard time with the transition back to DC. He was having longer and louder evening tantrums. He would yell,  ” I’m  STARVING” and then 2 seconds later ”  I’m NOT HUNGRY” and then “I want to leave.” and then ” I want to stay” pretty much everywhere we went.

And to be honest, even though he was doing it here in DC- he ALSO did it a lot of the summer while we were away.

Coming home and having him be REALLY, REALLY difficult for a few days in a row is something I was not expecting, I don’t know why I thought when we got home…”he would go back to normal.”  After a pretty terrible tantrum earlier this week,  I had a panic attack. I think this is like the 2-3rd one I have ever had in my life. And as I started breathing into my body, into my feet- into my belly- I could feel it all. It was like ALL the flash backs from the WHOLE summer were coming right to me- each and every moment he wanted the ketchup and then didn’t, asked to buy something at every store we went to, and tantrums at friend’s home.. all came flooding in.  As I experienced this stress and processed the breathing and felt it- I immediately felt my belly CONTRACT and release- signaling to me- THIS IS WHERE THIS IS FROM. it was like a sign from some super deep inner awareness- telling me…..

“lady, this belly stuff is from taking care of this little boy. You are doing the best you can to meet his needs. He is not acting or doing as you would like. You are uncomfortable with this struggle. You love him so much. you adore him AND you are internalizing is anger, his challenges. You want him to be different. Feel this. Feel it all. The grief, the pain, the beauty, the joy of being in relationship to children who are not you. it’s everything. all the feels. FEEL IT.”

And I did. I started to cry. I realized- OH MAN- I am SO out of comfort zone with how to love this kid. He is doing and saying things that I’m afraid of.  I know how to help people! This is what I do- I problem solve, and I help. And right now, I don’t know how to help him.

I can just love him. And share with him my love, communicate this support as he struggles with being 5. With being him. HE is going through it, NOT ME. and I am not him. WE ARE NOT OUR CHILDREN. ( DEEP EXHALE)  And it’s up to me to be strong and courageous for him, for myself as his mother. To do what I know best for children with boundaries, routines, healthy food and flexible structure.  To awaken my own holding patterns- my own DIS- EASE.. so that I can be healthy and be well. My anxiety, my panic brought out my truth. Truth is a Super Power. It heals. It connects. It allows. IT transforms.

And we went home, and played legos and made dinner and life as usual went on.

But, I’m different now. I woke up lighter. I woke up and something has shifted in me.

My belly relaxed, I slept all night in my bed- and so did he. Something healed, something released in that awareness of the struggle in our relationship. It does not mean it will never happen again, let’s be clear.

It is super naive to think that our emotions and our physical manifestations of anxiety, depression, injuries and sleep issues are NOT related to the trauma of every day life.

And it’s up to us to re-frame our experience. Use the moments to look within. I know it can be painful in there. I know it can be dark and scary and weird and lonely. But Super Heroes are courageous warriors who face the fear and discomfort- our super power IS our anxiety- is our access point- is the place in which we FEEL being alive. What if we allow ourselves to feel the worry and pain and lack of control that this experience SHOWS US EVERY DAY?

Ideas for how to process some of this..

  1. if you have an on going pain or issue in your body, RIGHT NOW- start asking yourself some questions around it- when does it happen? how does it get triggered? when did it originate? what does it feel like in your body? what are ways it feels better? worse?  ( I know for me.. I just ASSUMED my belly discomfort was b/c of the travel and driving, it NEVER occurred to me it was b/c of what has been happening with my son.)
  2. Next time your issue is communicating with you ( like my belly contracting and releasing in the moment of one of his tantrums) SEE what else is going on around you.. pay attention to your life.. and maybe something will be revealed.

***please note- if you are on medication or seeing a therapist- I am not advocating for you to make any changes in your current care. I am suggesting that this rise in anxiety that people are calling and emailing me about weekly- might possibly be a portal to the soul- to the bigger questions- to the true strengths and magical-ness of our experience. Something to explore, to consider. ***



When the anger and tears erupt in rage, I won’t let it take our sweetest moments away. Let’s be clear that summer and life are not all beaches and beauty- ice  cream and sunsets.

When things are smooth and peaceful and loving-I won’t let the explosions from this morning belittle or undervalue this incredible summer of travel, family, explorations, laughter and beauty. But they exist only together.  The real. life. struggle. that is part of being human.

This morning I came to realize that the moments of tension and tightness are full of love too.  Seeing it all play out in a daze of exhaustion and expectations. Our life unfolds in ways that we ALWAYS want to know HOW HOW HOW and WHY WHY WHY.

But we can’t. When love shows up through big, full, explosive emotions in little and big people, it hurts. The tears come. The sadness and loneliness of being human. The daily unknown of what parenting looks and feels like on the inside or what I SHOULD do. When it’s hot inside, it’s hard to hear the intuitive calls. It’s hard to feel what is the “right” way.

I look to nature and movement to soothe my soul. I practice gentle compassion on my own thoughts, KNOWING in all my body- I have done the best I can, with what I have, at this moment.  Having the hardest morning that I can remember in a long time, does not lessen my love for you- in fact it deepens it. We get through hard things.

We have super tough mornings. Built and raised up on expectations for what SHOULD happen today.

Get up- go to camp- mom goes for a hike – then works- then has lunch – works some more- then picks up kids- then family goes to get ice cream- then swim club- then family dinner – then bedtime RIGHT ON TIME. AGH.

But this.

Early Rise- scream- tantrum- yell- tired- tired-tired- breakfast- relax- shoes ON! – NO CAMP TODAY- PLEASE mom. NO. NO. NO. from one- and then the other.

“But you LOVE it” I can feel myself start to rise. “You only have 2 days left, please. Get in the car.”

“No!” he shouts and screams, eyes pouring tears. BIG TIRED EYES. I see them but I don’t want to. His nose gets wet. He snuggles down on to me. “No! mama! NO!”

I feel anger rise. I  AM TIRED. I need this day to myself. Countless nights of up and down sleep in a twin bed – recent nightmares from Saylor and midnight snuggles for Milo are starting to take their toll on me, on my limit, on my patience. “Buddy, you are going to camp.”

I put him down on the ground and walk towards the car. I pack my water bottles for my hike, I put the camp bags in the car. He slowly creeps over and climbs in. He is quiet and yet his little body communicates so much. I put my hand over my ears, I feel like yelling back “I’m not listening!”

He walks into his camp. His head is heavy- so is my heart. I know I can’t keep him home with me today- he will do better at camp ( I tell myself), I’ll pick him up early- and at least he will have had some play time.  SEND HIM TO CAMP ALL DAY- he can take it. OR  PUT HIM BACK IN BED AND GIVE HIM A DAY OFF FROM LIFE. Don’t we all need that once in a while?  no right answer. just a choice. a thoughtful choice about what is best for HIM AND for ME. ” See you later buddy. I love you.”

And then- Saylor and I  walk together towards the bus. She asks me to stay until it arrives, then until it leaves. And then with no warning. TEARS, strong hold around my waist. “NO! NO! NO! NO!” she says. She starts crying, then squeezing. This one BIGGER AND LOUDER than her brother. This one hot and sweaty and wet…. in front of everyone. kids, parents, counselors.

My teary eyes are covered by sunglasses. ” please, please, please saylor- no.” I think to myself. “I just need you to get on the bus.” I say to her over and over- ” please get on the bus.” she becomes more hysterical. holding up the buses now- it’s all getting red. heated. intensity escalates.  the staff says,” why don’t you drive her to camp. she can sleep in the car and be rested and join her group as soon as she arrives.”

perfect. plan in place. I like a plan. I don’t like standing in public with screaming 8.5 year old child. hello discomfort. anxiety and fear. I’m feeling it all. My sensitive intuitive body- needs to process this all. I put her in the car- she falls asleep and I drive the 20 minutes to camp- only to have an even more intense, fiery, meltdown and tantrum at camp with the awesome staff that is trying to help her. Now she’s yelling about stomach aches, and sore throats and growing pains in her legs. We stand there together. The staff, the screaming child, and me. Covering my quiet tears and crying feeling overwhelmed with the question.. “what is right for this child?” does she need a day in bed. does she need to learn to push through the exhaustion and am I supposed to be teaching her a lesson? Will I be sending her the wrong messages if I take her home and put her in bed. is that helpful for the REAL WORLD?

This child, who spends 99.9% of her time being awesome to everyone. Taking care of everyone. Being the rock for her brother, her friends. Quite frankly, ME. This girl is SOLID.  And here she is . a screaming, slobbering, wet, hot, sweaty mess. Arms SQUEEZING me to not leave her. She won’t let me go. My mind is a wash of ideas. leave or stay. rip her arms off me- send her back. screaming like a toddler. “NO MAMA NO!” or take her with me. back to the house, to sleep to get the rest she so clearly deserves.

And I stand there and wonder- WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR US TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM? Why am I always trying to make everything a lesson-a teachable moment. I wipe my own tears and tell the counselors and Saylor ” You WILL be at camp tomorrow. You can come back home with me now and get right into bed. You will NOT watch tv or eats sweets or spend time with me. You will spend the day in bed if you are so sick and tired.”

I say strongly to her. I thank the camp staff and I start to walk away. The girl behind me.

Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself. Sometimes I am so scared of doing the wrong thing or wasting money or time that I just get cold and shut down.

When we get home, she gets out of her camp bathing suit and into her pjs. I gather her things for the day- and tell her I will be in the other room if she needs me.

My heart is beating fast, the 20 minute car ride home gave me a minute to calm down but now we are face to face. I know what I need to do.

“Saylor, you know I love you very much, right”

” yes, mom.”

” I can be very, very angry and still love you.”


“And you can get very mad at me and still love me. do you understand that?” I ask her- still trying to find meaning in a meaningless situation.

I notice I have shifted from blaming my tried, hot, cranky kids to doing what moms do best- blaming myself. ” I should never have ….. I should have…. Why did I …”  starts to wander in. And before I EVEN let her in the door- I put on my sneakers. and walk. just around the house, around the block. I know I need to move and process this morning BEFORE I start to go on a mental binge of critical polluting thoughts.

Once my walk ends. I feel into my whole body. my wholeness. okay.

was there something I learned from this? is there something that I should consider?

I journaled a few thoughts. I drank a huge glass of water.

And then I went upstairs, found her sleeping and tucked her in.